d Pardon My Juice: January 2006

Sunday, January 29

The Publishable Conversations of a Few Minutes Ago (1/29/06)

We discussed:

!!! Bilton Merle being used thrice: 1) as a warm-up comic; 2) on a Johnny Carson-like show; 3) as a voice-over at the end. He will have a drummer cohort who will provide rimshots and appropriate reaction. "In the Ass" is always a topper: "What's better than doing your gramma? Doing her in the ass!"

@@@ "We put the cute in executions." A school board meeting wherein a textbook publishers hawks his puppied version of history.

### Super Secret Monkey Lab--an animated slice of life of Super Secret Monkey Lab's Nigel, William, Trevor and Mr. Bubbles. Except we don't have the money--or know how--to animate and, therefore, use an overhead.

$$$ The Power Team: tearing up phone books in the name of Christ and such

%%% The Anal Sex Police

^^^ The Dating Game with Monsters

&&& Turn Based Reality.
"I have to pee."
"It's not your turn." multiplied by seven billion
an animated hand picks us up for moving out of turn

*** The "Do-Something!" Game (the simplest game in the world)

((( We'd also all like more silly, more strange

))) Next meeting in Dr. Terrett's basement on Thursday at nine-thirty.

___ Ian and I didn't discuss this, but this is what I imagine it'd go like, "Kellen's basement, really?" "Yes, Greg, Kellen's basement." "You think we could take him?" "Take him?" "You know what I'm saying." "Yes, Greg, we could take him." "Good. That Kellen is a shifty character." "Your improv skills have really diminished in the six months you haven't been in improv." "Was I ever really that good to begin with?" "You know, Greg, that's a good question." "I purchased a gun yesterday." "You were never good at the non-sequitor joke." "It's not a joke. I really bought a gun yesterday." "What are you going to do with 'your gun?'" "I don't know. Just hold on to it." "Wow." "Ian, this isn't a joke. It's a plea for help. I bought a gun yesterday." "Okay, Greg." "Ian, please help me. My life is devoid of meaning and purpose." "Very funny. Ha-ha." "No, seriously. I am in need of help. Please call someone. Do something." "Okay, 'I'm calling the police.'" "You just won the bronze in the 'Do-Something' Game!"

posted by Turn The Heaton at 11:53 p.m. 1 comments

The Death Penalty

I really don't understand the death penalty.

Why do we punish people for murdering by mudering them?

Aren't we just condoning the act we're trying to condemn them for?

That's why I think all murderers should be raped.

Get a big, beefy prison guard with a lot of issues about his father and too much hair on his arms, feed him some Viagra, lock the couple in the gas chamber and just let the security guard have some fun.

And, you know, since we were going to kill him already--it's not like the murderer has any rights left--prisons could make an extra buck or two selling the video on a website.

Wouldn't it be more satisfying for the victim's family? They could be in the little gallery and watch the guy really, you know, be in pain. None of this lethal injection stuff, where the prisoner silently and coldly and clinically stops moving but the guy could run around the little chair and the guard would have to catch him and get him into the right position and really just go to town.

I suppose, afterwards, we could kill 'em. I mean, really, who cares? They were taught the lesson they deserve.

posted by Turn The Heaton at 9:38 p.m. 0 comments

Wednesday, January 25

Maxim Gorky Resurrected

Famed Russian and early Soviet writer Maxim Gorky was resurrected yesterday due to unknown forces. A caretaker at the cemetary found the freezing and dishelveled writer directly above his coffin.

"What I don't understand is why Gorky? He's an excellent writer, but why not really the great Russian writer. Why not Pushkin? Or Tolstoy or Chekhov or Dostoyevsky?"

Once Gorky became of aware of what year it was, what had happened since he died and what had suddenly happened to him, he too expressed his confusion, "There's a million people in the world more interesting and more important than me."

At the end of the interview, he shrugged and walked away lost in thought. He bent down--apparently, he had just found ten dollars.

posted by Turn The Heaton at 9:03 p.m. 0 comments

Sunday, January 22

Boy Scout Merit Badges That Are Out-of-Style

*Bear-baiting
*Snake Charming
*Whale Hunting
*Knife Fights
*Eating
*Velociped Repair
*Girl Scouting
*Scoutmaster Baiting
*Torture
*Multi-Cultural Tolerance
*Screen Writing
*International Finance
*Immigration
*Anit-Militarism
*Spear Fishing
*Cabinetry
*Shipping
*Piquet
*Topology
*Cold War Espionage
*Ragtime Piano
*Kabbalah
*Citizenship in the World
*Verse Grammar
*Children's Verse
*Method Acting
*Predestination
*Greek Numerals
*Pity
*Non-compound Bow Hunting
*Bickering
*Urban Living
*Superintendent
(that's really enough for now)

posted by Turn The Heaton at 11:51 p.m. 0 comments

Thursday, January 19

a younkonian conundrum

what's the difference between statuary and statutory?

i don't know.

posted by Turn The Heaton at 7:48 a.m. 0 comments

Tuesday, January 17

yet another question

if no jacket is truly required, why is phil wearing one in the liner notes?

at that point, isn't a jacket optional?

or is it some kind of complicated irony, inferencing that, in fact, a jacket is required?

posted by Turn The Heaton at 9:50 p.m. 0 comments

Wednesday, January 11

Superpowers

(uhh, let's say four boys are running around playing tag. One stops:)

1. Let's play superpowers!
The rest. Yes, let's!
1. I have the power of flying!
2. I have the power to turn invisible!
3. I have the power to shoot fire from my hips!
4. I have the power to change men's souls!
(1, 2, 3, pause briefly, but continue playing)
3. Hey, I'm shooting fire at you!
2. Yeah, but you don't know where I am, so how can you shoot fire at me?
1. I'm flying around both of you and making a tornado to suck you both into the sky.
2. You're not Superman, you can just fly!
1. Well--
4. I'm teaching you all that love can heal all wounds!
(1, 2, 3, pause more noticibly, 2 rolls his eyes)
1. Fine, if I can't make a tornado, watch out because I'm about to ram into you faster than a speeding bullet!
2 and 3: You're not Superman, you can just fly!
1. Then I'm just going to ram into you as hard as I can. (he rams into 3 sort of hard)
4. I'm ascending to the right hand of God, where I will live in everlasting peace and harmony with my father and our creator!
(1 and 2 stop and sigh. 3 looks ashamed)
4. Wait, wait, first I have to be sacrificed on a cross with two petty criminals. (pause) C'mon guys, crucify me!
3. (quietly) I'm sorry guys. I never should have brought him to Sunday school with me.
2. Being Jesus is not a superpower.
1. That's why we stopped playing superheroes, so you'd stop being Jesus.
4. I'm not being Jesus, I just have the divine grace of God. That's my superpower.
3. I've told you a bunch Sammy, only Jesus has the divine grace of God while on Earth and Jesus isn't a superhero. At least not like The Human Torch or Colossus or something.
1. Yeah, just have super-strength or telekinesis or something.
4. But nothing's more super than making the weak strong with the word of--
2. Maybe you should just go home.
3. C'mon Sammy, I'll walk you home.

posted by Turn The Heaton at 10:13 p.m. 0 comments

Monday, January 9

another question

do you think hollywood is remaking all these old classics like the honeymooners and guess who's coming to dinner with black people because black people didn't have the money to buy televisions or go to movies when the originals were made?

posted by Turn The Heaton at 5:18 p.m. 0 comments

a question

if power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely, doesn't that make God eternally corrupt?

posted by Turn The Heaton at 3:16 p.m. 0 comments

One note never to forget

Let's here it for our Apes, Kansas City's finest baseball team! That's right 'r' Apes!

posted by Turn The Heaton at 11:17 a.m. 0 comments

Sunday, January 8

Notes from last meeting (1/4/06)

Dr. Terrett had three ideas:

1. Hobo-cats
2. H&R Fuck You
3. Moustache Basketball


Turn The Heaton had three ideas

1. The United Nations of Fictional Lands
2. The Audubon Field Guide to Crooners and Singers of Jazz Standards
3. The "Pardon My Juice" Calendar, in which we pose for a 16-month calendar starting in March posing like one of those Dog or Cat fetish calendars. It's really very funny, I swear.


I_Ped may have had ideas, but there was an alarm clock fiasco.

Anna Nicole Smith/Murhpy Brown was probably diddling with himself at Williams-Sonoma.

posted by Turn The Heaton at 5:00 p.m. 0 comments