d Pardon My Juice: October 2005

Saturday, October 29


I was sad when I thought of the man who had no shoes,
until I saw the man who had no buttocks.

Wednesday, October 26

The Saddest White Sox Fan

75-year-old Tyrone Williamsburg is the saddest man in Chicago tonight: you see the White Sox won the World Series.

Decked out in a retro White Sox gear that was top-of-the-line design when he bought it, he's crying in his beer at Mickey's, a bar two blocks from his house. While the rest of the city is in an uproar and fireworks are going off around the city and the Cubs and their fans feel like the biggest chodes in the world, Williamsburg takes big sighs, cracks his peanuts slowly and pats the tears away with shamrock drink napkins.

You may be asking why a Chicago citizen who's loved the Sox since he could remember would be sad tonight, easily the greatest night in White Sox history.

"My whole life has been rooting for the cursed White Sox. I've wrapped my whole life around them losing," he says while staring outside the window at the near riot. The curse he's referring to goes back to 1918 when the 1917 world champions threw the game for some bookies.

"At some point, I realized I was actually rooting for them to lose. Not to say I wanted them to lose, but they always did. And, you know, I had to be happy somehow."

The turning point, he says, came in 1959 when they made it to the Series and lost.

"I was just turning 29 and the world was going to hell and I realized I putting a lot of effort into something that wasn't working out. But I had all this shit," he tugged at the vintage jersey, "I had to make it work, you know." He added that at the time the engagement to the love of his life fell apart, although that had nothing at all to do with it.

"Maybe I'll become a Cubs fan. But the way things are going, they'll win next year. Actually, if the Cubs win next year I'm sending all my money to the Pope and I'm going to start going to confession again. If the Cubs win next year, I wouldn't be suprised to see the four horsemen play inner field and be managed by the Anti-Christ."

Good for the environment

Now there's a term. "Good for the environment." It's a little disconcerting if you ask me. Just the other day I had sometbody complain to me about not cutting up the six pack rings from some "soda" I had just consumed. When the issue was brought up I politely retorted with idea that it wasn't my fault the shit was ending up in the ocean where fish and birds were choking on it. I proposed that maybe there was a greater power at hand that possibly had an effect on where my garbage ended up. The second party at hand seemed confused at this and persisted with the arguement. Two words, "Fucking Hippies!"

Now hypothetically, the world is just a system of energy that is constantly being maninpulated through stages in a cycle. Laws of physics state that energy cannot be created or destroyed. Now I thought about this and realized that modern plumbing is totally counterintuitive to our (assuming we've all read some books) understanding that we opereate on the circle of life system. What goes around comes around. Our parents fuck. We are born. We die. Our dead bodies, in the ground, feed the plants which in turn feed future people who will fuck and become parents. Let me step back and focus mainly on one particular aspect of our lives in respect to this delicate life cycle. SHITTING.

We eat. We consume. We, as we are phisiologically obligated to, change one thing into another, specifically food into crap. This crap, as our rotting bodies in the soil, is manipulated energy that could potentially feed various parts of the ecosystem we live in. However, modern plumbing has led us to create a concentration, an unneeded surplus, of this particular resource. We pipe it all to one centralized locale.

Now crap does not beget more crap. Crap, amongst itself, will just sit and be crap. We use various fertilizers, including many that are cow manure based. This raises some questions. It's not okay to crap in your back yard, but it's okay to go the store, buy 40 lb. bags of cow shiw and scatter that all around your house? Is there something I missed? Is there more utility in a pricey bag of cow shit than there is in my own human defications?

I think I understand now why the cow is such a holy animal in other cultures. You can eat it, wear it, make wallets out of it, upholster our cars with it, drink it's bodily fluids (milk), tip it over while it sleeps for a good laugh and apparently scatter it's shit in your garden to ensure a fruitful harvest.

I think this really puts into perspective the use of the term "Bullshit" which is usually used to imply inaccuracy of assessment.

Back to my point, I think it is silly that we pipeline our feces to who knows where. We should store it up and be forced to figure out uses for it, like people who live in RV's and trailor parks. I'll tell you, if I had a tank of shit under my yard, I'd think twice about how much I was putting into it and what I could do to keep it empty and 'clean'.

I am proposing a movement here (no pun intended). A movement not to conserve but to utilize our own human waste. This will be hard and I anticipate a great deal of trouble amongst misbelievers. Burning bags of poop on doorsteps may reach all time highs. Neighbors may be caught deficating on the lawns of neighbors which at first will be interpreted as vile and hostile. Where in reality, it is the very lack of such actions which has been the problem this entire time.

Sunday, October 16

Hey DumbShit Indie Grrls!

I use to think Indie girls (Grrl’s as it says on one of their denim jackets, right next to the Operation Ivy patch) were cute, even hot. Heavy eye shadow, colored hair, leather boots, and other dated accouterment to make their chosen idiosyncratic lifestyle fit like a square peg in a cybernetic circle. What’s not to like about freethinking females who have great taste in movies, music and a history of bad sexual encounters. A fucking Girl who can talk more about the Elliot Smiths earlier work than I can talk about Hawkman comics.

But Indie Grrl’s Nation wide have gone to far. I’m tired of the idiotic fixation of sex icon Bettie Page. Girls, how can you tote female enlightenment and independence when you’ve got a sex slave tattooed into your left calf? I don’t go walking around town with a dude jamming a girl on my backpack, or have Hulk Hogan porn magnets on my FUCKING REFRIGERATOR!

And it’s not just the girls. Indie guys as well ogle* this feminine temptress. If you dudes are looking to be that sensitive/edgy type with the Nick Drake or Donovan album next to your bedside, just a suggestion from a nerd; Bettie Page Does not equal Pussy. And if the Girls all into you BECAUSE of Bettie Page, you’re just inviting a VD or miniature pet crustacean into your pubic area. Yippee Skippee!

Who Do I ogle? Bat Girl! Curvy, Wears a Mask and has the red hair hanging out the back. With all the sex appeal of the original batman suit plus natural mountains and valleys to tease me. Now that’s a Sex Symbol I’d like to get into…literally.

I feel like a puritan preacher here! Down With Bettie Page!

to look at somebody for sexual enjoyment or as a way of showing sexual interest

a prolonged flirtatious or desirous look at somebody

Encarta® World English Dictionary © 1999 Microsoft Corporation. All rights reserved. Developed for Microsoft by Bloomsbury Publishing Plc.

The Gay Flu

(a riff both jazzy and militaristic with a glaring "Worldwide Weekly News Network" graphic triumphantly dropping into the screen)

In a speech in the White House's East Room, President Bush said today that the United States is not ready to face a Gay Flu like the one ripping its way through Communist China and Turkey and directed the federal government to prepare for the worst in case of a Gay Pandemic. We go to our Washington correspondent, Hewlett Packard, outside the White House:

That's right, Ruff, and he compared the death a Gay Flu would cause to fifteen Katrina-sized hurricanes and said that American cuisine and fashion would be never be the same.

(a long clip of one the President's long silences)

The President seemed to say with that extended pause that for our children's future, and so we don't face the same fate of Communist China, we have to take steps now to prevent the spread of this horrible, horrible Gay Flu. He said that if we can learn anything from the tragedy of Hurricane Katrina is that the government is worthless and ineffectual and that our medical infrastructure couldn't handle a disaster like the one they're facing in Communist China. He directed, in his words, the "bloated federal government" to research ways to prevent an outbreak like the one seen in Communist China. At one point in his speech he directed a question directly at the press corps asking, "You don't want to be like Communist China do you?"

(a different clip of one the President's longer silences, preferably in a different location)

President Bush closed the speech with that pregnant pause, wordlessly inveighing the magnitude of this threat of the Gay Flu.

Did the President give any indication on the sort of direction he'd like, as he calls it, "the costly bureaucracy" of the federal government to go?

No, Ruff, he didn't. He said he expected a report from every department, bureau head and secretary by the same time next year. He told them that while the Gay Flu was urgent, there was no need to hurry.

Thanks, Hewlett. But even as the President challenged this nation, defenders of the President were forming petition committees in every state that allows the initiative process to ban Gay Flu Marriage. A press release from the national headquartes of "Man Flu + Woman Flu = Flu Sanctity" they said that Gay Flu Marriages, like the one's seen earlier this year in Vermont and Oregon, were the first steps to the fall of Western civilization and said that this Gay Flu Marriage is a more indisious threat than Fascism or Communism. The group who vigorously supported President Bush in 2004, asked that if Gay Flu Marriage is allowed, what's to stop the marriage of cows to geese or man to beast? What's to stop marriage between brothers and sisters?

In unrelated news, the death toll on American soldiers in Iraq is approaching 2,000...

Friday, October 14

The Creators of South Park Go Too Far

Trey Parker and Matt Stone admit it: they've gone too far.

A South Park episode slated to be aired two weeks from now was suddenly pulled from Comedy Central's planned schedule yesterday. Most people didn't notice or care, but a few die-hard fans demanded answers. Comedy Central, fearful that it's producers would think they were censoring content released a press statement stating that it was pulled at the request of the show creators.

"You know that Frank Sinatra movie about how he's going to kill the president, the one that he made before JFK was shot and then JFK got shot and he tried to buy all the copies of the movie and refused to allow it to be shown? Well, it's like that, but ten times worse," said Stone.

Added Parker: "We're known for leaving no sacred cows unslaughtered, but some cows are meant to live. I guess."

What exactly made these fearless satirists a little fearful? They refuse to say. Parker and Stone have gone so far as to make legal arrangements with themselves and the entire South Park creative team that states the any release of information concerning the episode would be cause, not only of losing their jobs, but a five million dollar fee.

"We thought for a minute that five million bucks is steep but then we watched the episode again and thought that it was too low. I normally don't laugh after a show's actually been made, but this one didn't even make me smile. It was atrocious. Dreadful. Despicable. Inhumane. Inhuman. Unfathomable. Awful. Where my mind was when we wrote that one--well, I don't think I want to go back there again," Stone said with wide eyes while gently shaking his head.

"It was so bad that we had to go to a thesaurus to get all the words that Matt just used to describe it," Parked added to Stone again.

Some fans wonder if its just a marketing ploy to create a "lost episode" of South Park, something that will live in pop culture lore like what Brian Wilson's Smile would have sounded like if he hadn't gone crazy.

Parked became visibly agitated at the idea, "If someone thinks that, that's cool, I guess. But they're retarded."

Stone added to Parker, "And if someone suggests we just didn't do an episode because we're lazy, I'm going to beat the living shit out of them."

Comedy Central said in its press release that free creativity for its talent is an utmost concern and that it was more than happy to pull the episode. "No one at this company would want to do something to frustrate or irritate anyone at one of our most popular shows."

The network also said that they would run the previous night's The Daily Show with Jon Stewart for ninth time in the unaired South Park slot.

"We get a ratings spike no matter when we air The Daily Show."

Sunday, October 9

Excerpts From the Personal Notes of Dr. Edward F. Morningwood

September 31, 2005
...It appears that Terrett is slipping further and further into an inexplicable insanity. Medically, psychologically, even spiritually, we can identify no clear cause. So far, all that we can ascertain is that an event surrounding, or the action itself, is at the start: his brother Christian destroyed his favorite vinyl copy of Ziggy Stardust. We've tried to elicit a response from him by playing the record but all that happens is that the spew of words both verbal and written stops and he becomes listless and sings tunelessly along with the words...

October 2, 2005
...I tried dressing as David Bowie circa Ziggy Stardust and interviewed Terrett, thinking that Bowie might represent some kind of priest or god-like figure but, like a cat afraid of a snake, Terrett skittered away and hid in a corner. The results of this therapy were only negative. He stayed in the corner for a full three hours after I left his padded cell. Then, lacking any form of writing utensil, he defecated into his hand and starting drawing a picture of, I think, Cerberus, the three-headed dog that guards the Acheron in Hades, on the wall. That, or he didn't get the head right twice. He sat quietly and admired his work before the servants cleaned it up... my wife thinks I should diagnose Schizophrenia for Terrett, but what the fuck does she know about psychology, the ignorant slut... listened to Ziggy Stardust today. There is something dusky and attractive about it, a world someone could get lost in...

October 3, 2005
...I'm avoiding any comparison to the Marquis de Sade with Terrett just because he'd like it so much... he was unusually quiet today... requested a copy of The Giver by Lois Lowry, unsure of its meaning...

October 4, 2005
...In full voice, Terrett recited all of Henry V from memory. Thinking Shakepspeare would be a key to get him to speak with us, I enlistened Dr. Glove, therapist and Shakespeare afficianado to speak with him, Terrett spoke with great knowledge and love about Shakespeare but refused to speak about anything else. His problem is unique, the DSM gives me no help of any kind, the treatment is therefore entirely my own...

October 7, 2005
...Mumbling something about a lightsabre, Terrett stabbed himself in the leg and screamed bloody murder. Passed out, awoke and was entirely coherant and logical. We had no choice but to release him, but I'm afraid he'll only experience more episodes of his unique psychopathology....

Friday, October 7

From the Journal of a Mad Man

An entry from the Journal of Kellen Terrett, Clone (No relation) on the night he spent in Jail titled “A deliberate contemplation on my eventual fall into madness and the tyrant who caused it.”

“It all started on a gray Monday morning. I awoke from a deep sleep next to two co-eds whose names I couldn’t remember. Their smiles told me I had pleased them twice over the night before. I reflected on their supple naked bodies, before placing the silk sheets over them.

I walked into my state of the art kitchen and poured myself a warm cup of Brazilian Cold Pressed Coffee with an imported Cheese Danish from where ever the Danes are from. Looking out over the city from my penthouse always gets me ready for a day. I have a ritual where I read the morning paper while getting my first of four fully body massages. Today was Sadie, my favorite masseuse, a red head from Ohio with a Masters in Biophysics and Neolithic Folklore of the Canadian Rockies. She gives great hand jobs.

But I skipped the business pages this cruel morn and moved to the Funny Pages. I read my Hagrid the Horrible, my Blondie, and my Non Sequitur (which I Honestly still don’t understand why it’s funny). But as I folded the paper back I read my horoscope before concluding my paper with Pickles and eventually Get Fuzzy. It read ‘Remember in “Star Trek Two: Rath of Khan” when Spock dies, and Kirk is really sad. Well, that’s going to be your day, plus 9/11 and getting AIDS in one shitty sandwich. Four Stars.’ I thought nothing more.

I turned the paper over and saw the face of God and The Devil double-teaming my soul with and extra dick for my ear. The Comic {as seen above} was worse than watching squirrels and rabbits getting run over or seeing a home video of a fat women giving birth to a still born.

I just hope that man knows how much he has hurt me. I know this atrocity will be documented in history books as the day we stopped sitting in the back of the bus. Where we demanded the right to equal citizenship. Where we, the readers of the Funny Pages, said NO! NO MORE!”

Mr. Terrett died in Jail due to light saber injury. He was a millionaire playboy with a net worth of over 60 million dollars. This author cries for deceased.

Monday, October 3

Darby Conley Assaulted

Darby Conley, creator and author of the popular comic strip 'Get Fuzzy,' was assaulted outside his home yesterday by a disgruntled fan. The disgruntled fan, 22-year-old University of Oregon undergraduate Kellen Terrett, waited outside Conley's home and then attacked him.

"He was sitting on my doorstep when I got back from getting some groceries. He asked me if I was Darby Conley and if I wrote 'Get Fuzzy,' then he punched me in the face and started shouting at me," reported Conley. "It didn't hurt very bad, though. I think he was pulling his punches."

Conley reports that he shouted things like "You've given up your edge," and "Write funny comics again." Conley thinks he was commenting on his recent string of public-service-announcement-like comics about the history of cats and dogs and the nature pet overpopulation problem in the US.

Terrett hit Conley several times in the face and chest and kicked him twice when Conley fell to the ground. Conley's only injury was a black left eye and a bruise on left thigh.

A neighbor called police who responded quickly. They pulled Terrett off Conley and handcuffed him.

"We had to forcibly push him into the sqaud car," said Sherrif Ray Atkins, "all the while he was shouting: 'Don't give up your edge, Conley. You used to be so funny. You're all I have left. Don't go down like Charlie Schultz or Jim Davis. Remember the lessons of Gary Larsen and that guy who wrote Calvin and Hobbes! Don't give up, Conley, don't give up!' It was really depressing."

Terrett appeared later that evening at the county jail. He was placid and had a far away look in his eyes. "It really was all I have left. Now I have nothing. Nothing at all." When asked what he was referring to, Terrett refused to give any details. He responded with "It's been a hard few weeks; a hard few weeks."

In a suprising move, Conley willl not be pressing charges.

"He's right, I have lost my edge. I really don't want 'Get Fuzzy' to become like Garfield, where it was funny at first but totally sold out and was really not funny at all. I mean did you see that movie with Jennifer Love Hewitt? And what was Bill Murray thinking?" Conley said.