d Pardon My Juice: September 2005

Thursday, September 29

funny memory

this is the memory I had in my head as I fell asleep last night:

"It looks like a Winnie-the-Pooh that wants to touch your genitals."

Wednesday, September 28


Feminists have long used a rhetorical tool to pry themselves from 2000 years of patriarchy that involves taking a derisive word and turning it into an empowering one. "Bitch" and "Cunt" have been the most popular, but if Sarah O'Brien has her way, it won't stop there.

In her new paper, "Beyond 'Bitch' and 'Cunt:' Empowering Women Through Anachrony and More," sahe proposes a two-pronged attack in the next step of rhetorical feminism. The first is to take even the most innocuous of insults and use them as empowerment tools.

"There's a lot of terrible words out there but what about the ones that are just insulting? 'Gams' may be something my grandfather used to describe a nice set of legs, but it's still offensive to women... We have to make them all our own before men can accept us at their equals," O'Brien said in a phone interview.

She also said she was setting up a website where people can purchase her new line of feminist clothing. (www.filthyslut.org) She claims slogans like, "I am a classy dame," "Yes, I smell like tuna" and "Hooters are more than a chain of restaurants" are just one more step to the end of the subjugation of women.

O'Brian, who changed her name from Erykah Springlove to match her Irish background, said the second step was more important than the first, claiming insulting terms of other minorities.

"Nigger may be too far, but I think kike would be all right," she said.

She also claimed to be wearing a shirt "proudly proclaiming" being a midget. "I'm not a midget, but until these words mean nothing they'll be insulting to midgets, wetbacks, slanty-eyes and huns everywhere." She maintains that the groups will not find this claiming offensive.

"Once they see I'm a minority just like everyone else, they'll understand."

A line of clothing for the second wave of her idea is planned and will probably be out at the beginning of next year.

Tuesday, September 27

Sometimes I can't help myself

You know when you get so hungry that you start to shake and you develop cravings for the weirdest things? Last night that happened to me. I ate four WHOLE raw onions...like they were apples or something. After the first couple of bites, I started tearing up real bad, but hunger pressed me on. A few more bites, and I was full-on crying. Soon, I was bawling my eyes out! Then I began to feel really guilty. What if people found out? What would they think? I began to panic. How do I get the smell out of my breath, and off of my clothes? Where do I put that Mexican kids body, whom I stole the onions from?

Voight and Saruman Team Up!

Jon Voight,born 29 December 1938 in Yonkers, New York, USA, has a new project coming to homes this year. Teaming up with major Media Mogal Ted Turner, both have somehow taken the dead body of Former Pope John Paul II (PJ squared to his friends) and placed Voight in the holy tome. Then, with the help of Saruman and Count Dooku’s evil magic (featured in the background of above photot), Voight will rise from the grave and star in CBS’s welcoming of the apocalypses “Classic Rape Scenes as told by Zombie Pope John Paul II.”

Voight’s acting career has many monumental roles. Including this authors Top Five!
Midnight Cowboy (1969) .... Joe Buck
Deliverance (1972) .... Ed Gentry
Anaconda (1997) .... Paul Sarone
The Karate Dog (2004) .... Hamilton Cage
Return to Ass Fuck Mountain (2006) Post-Production….Ranger Cooch

Also signed onto this project will be the new boy band “The Four Horsemen” a group of haunting youngsters with a Love for life and making others suffer.

Thursday, September 22

On the iTunes service agreement:


does this mean I shouldn't write that song about how iTunes saved my life?

Wednesday, September 21

Banner Confirmation Hearing; Half of DC In Ruins

After Senator Arlen Specter (R-PA) asked Supreme Court nominee and biologist Dr. Bruce Banner a question on legal precedent, a record thirtieth time in any Supreme Court confirmation hearing, the genetic mutation in Banner acted up and he turned into his alter ego, a green monster two times the size of a normal human being often coined, "The Incredible Hulk."

As Banner's genetic transformed him, he shouted "Stare decisis make Hulk angry! Hulk smash!" and leapt directly at the Pennsylvanian senator. Interlacing his fingers, raising his arms above his head, he brought them directly down on Specter's horrified face, killing him instantly, leaving only a non-recognizable glob where the chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee once sat. He then ripped a portion of the long table in the [blank] room and heaved it at Senator Diane Feinstein (D-CA), knocking her head clean off. He then leapt to Senator Sam Brownback (R-KS), picked him up and threw him at Senator Charles E. Schumer (D-NY) killing them both on contact. He then thrust his shoulder down and ran directly into the gallery destroying all the television cameras and recording devices. What happened within the room after the cameras were destroyed will probably never be known as Banner not only, directly or indirectly killed every person in the room, but destoryed the entire US Capitol building.

The death toll continues to rise, but estimates place the number at approximately 1,200 people. There are 55 confirmed deaths including Specter, Feinstein, Brownback and Schumer. Also confirmed were the remaining 14 members of the Judiciary Committee: Joeseph R. Biden, Jr. (D-MA), Tom Coburn (R-OK), John Cornyn (R-TX), Mike DeWine (R-OH), Richard J. Durbin (D-IL), Russell D. Feingold (D-WI), Lindsey Graham (R-SC), Charles E. Grassley (R-IA), Orrin G. Hatch (R-UT), Edward M. Kennedy (D-MA), Herbert Kohl (D-WI), Jon Kyl (R-AZ), Patrick J. Leahy (R-VT) and Jeff Sessions (R-AL). By the times helicopters were dispatched to view the scene, Banner had already left the Capitol in ruins and was half-leaping, half-flying towards the reflecting pool between the Lincoln and Washington memorials. His splashdown left the pool empty.

The most shocking event of the day, however, came when Banner ripped the Washington Monument out of the ground, broke it into two pieces and threw the sharp, upper end of the obelisk like a javelin at the Lincoln Monument and the blunt, lower end like a shot put at the Jefferson Monument. The throws left both touchstones of American culture nothing more than piles of rubble.

Nielsen Media Research estimates that nearly 95% of the US population watched the three memorials destruction. They also watched aghast as Banner let out a primal scream that could literally be heard in Seattle and Los Angeles and, some reports say, as far as London, and then turned in the direction of the White House. (Some reports are also saying that he used a word in this scream, "jurisprudence.")

A feature of Banner's genetic mutation is that the angrier he becomes, the larger he becomes. By the time he was charging the White House, he was 60 feet tall and 27 feet wide. Miraculously, his trademark purple jeans still shrouded his genetalia.

As he charged the White House, an entire tank battalion was set in front of him and a flight of fighter jets were scrambled to stop him. Missile and shells bounced off him like they were fired from toy guns and size only increased. At one point, he jumped straight into the air and, with a single punch, knocked two jets from the sky.

The nation breathed a sigh of relief after he leaped over the White House and continued his rampage north. He reached the National Zoological Park, crushed a few of the pens and accidentally released several vicious animals before deciding he had gone in the wrong direction. In a single leap, he reached Fort Meyer and starting tossing around cars, jeeps, jets, tanks and helicopters like sporting equipment. When a suicide fuel truck was driving straight at him, he sidestepped it, punched it in the center, broke it in two and used the sides for huge, steel boxing gloves. The entire fort was dismantled in less than an hour and a half.

The Air Force than scrambled every fighter jet in the Eastern United States and several National Guard units were being marshalled to combat Banner only four hours after the destruction of the Capitol, a force headed by Banner's harshest Supreme Court critic, General Thaddeus "Thunderbolt" Ross.

"I don't have time for extended 'I told you so' but let it be noted that I did," said Ross to a reporter who was interviewing him at the time of the confirmation hearing about Banner as a judicial nominee.

In a leap similar to the one to Fort Meyers, Banner landed on the Supreme Court and crushed it. It seemed that a recognition of his destruction occurred when he picked up the head of Confucius from the eastern sculpture and started to mumble. He started to shrink right as the largest military force assembled in the US mainland reached him. As he was shrinking more and more, he looked at the forces flying straight at him and jumped west.

Although several jets were ordered to follow, they were unable to find him.

Ross held an immediate press conference on what were the steps of the Supreme Court. "We're going to hunt you down Banner and kill you. Do you hear me, Banner! You've destroyed the very heart of democracy and freedom and, finally, finally, finally, I have full license to find you, at whatever cost necessary. Make no mistake Banner, I'm going to get you. I'm going to kill you and end the misery you've caused me and the entire United States."

The president has scheduled a press conference for this evening to address Banner and the destruction of Washington.

Friday, September 16

Children able to connect with boy wizard: the magic of HP

I have a terribly overactive imagination. So, I have always loved science-fiction stories and fantasy stories. Like right now, I am really into the "Harry Potter" series. I love all of the magic spells and Quidditch and Harry, Hermione, and Ron always thwarting Voldemort. Especially during the Quidditch parts: I'm up on my broom whizzing through the crisp air like ZOOOOOM! and I'm like WOOOOOOO-HOOOOOOOO!!!!! and like YEEEEEEEE-HAWWWWWWWWW!!!!! It is really great stuff! The only part that I don't like, because it is really scary, is when Harry is all alone at night with his invisibility cloak, walking around the school, and comes into my room and rapes me. You know Harry, that happens two, three more times, and I just might start rooting for Voldemort!

Taking it too Far

For all of you suicidal pug-loving drivers out-there about to run the rest of us off the road, a message of solidarity as-seen on a license-plate holder:

"Without a Pug, Life Just Isn't Worth Living!"

Ain't it the Truth!

Tuesday, September 13

Bruce Banner Nominated to Supreme Court

President Bush, in a startling and gutsy move, nominated biologist Dr. Bruce Banner to replace Sandra Day O'Connor as the ninth Supreme Court justice. At a ceremony in the White House's Rose Garden with Banner at his side, he declared his support for what many consider the most controversial Supreme Court Nominee in history.

"What Mr. Banner lacks in legal knowledge he makes up with old moral know-how. He may not know fancy Latin terms, but he knows right from wrong," said the President.

Banner appeared sanguine and somewhat disheveled next to the President in his characteristic jeans and white tee-shirt. Many in the audience were uneasy even being in the presence of Banner. The nominee is known for a genetic disability that turns him into a gigantic green human with god-like strength when angry. Several media outlets have taken to calling his transformed self, "The Incredible Hulk," or just "The Hulk." The audience visibly winced when he sneezed during the President's short remarks. Even the President was a litte taken aback and paused at that point.

Banner's remarks after the President's speech were brief and essentially thanked the President for the opportunity to serve his country in such a fashion. The press corps exhaled with relief when he announced that he would not be taking questions at the time. A senior White House aide said, "In fact, the entire White House, probably all of DC breathed a sigh of relief."

"It's a goddamn, mother(expletive) disgrace that this president, a goddamn law-and-order president, would nominate Bruce Banner to a federal position--any federal position," said General Thaddeus "Thunderbolt" Ross. Gen. Ross is quickly becoming Banner's harshest critic. "The beast has destroyed half of every major city in America, killed hundreds of innocent people and wasted millions of tax dollars in attempts to stop his fits of rage. It's not just a disgrace, it's a little terrifying. This will go down as the President's biggest misstep. And I (expletive) love this president."

Bush defended his nominee's record in his speech saying, "Banner has his problems, heck, we all do. But he's working through them and I have confidence that he'll do one bang-up job." After he realized that he had misspoke, and Banner ashamedly hid his face in his hands, the president continued, "Err... I mean, he'll do a great job. Dr. Bruce is a strong human being and a welcome presence on the bench." When the audience laughed, the President looked at them quizically.

Few American citizens seem to support the choice. Professor Charles Xavier of Xavier's School for Gifted Children, widely renowned for being the world's foremost expert on genetics and mutation expressed a grave concern over this appointment. "Dr. Banner has no control over his mutation. It's not like other mutants who have trained for years to understand their powers and use them for good. One time, he was visiting my school doing some research with me and destroyed the whole thing after he knocked over a cup of tea." He added that mutant insurance is comprehensive but there are treasures he'll never get back.

Some aruge that the appointment is purely political. "The President is simply trying to win over the minority vote by appointing a minority while supporting and enforcing policies that discriminate," said the Rainbow Coalition's Rev. Jesse Jackson in a seperate press conference at a non-descript location in Los Angeles.

Others are more concerned with his complete lack of legal authority or training. A group of 5,000 lawyers have signed a petition asking the President to reconsider his choice. The group expects to gain the signatures of, essentially, every lawyer in the country.

But Senate Republicans have supported the choice and assured the President that they'll get Banner on the bench.

"He's the right man for the job. Our president picked him and I have faith in my president," said Senator (R-MS) Trent Lott.

The thing that touched me deep inside

When I was about eight years old, my dad and I went on a fishing trip. We almost never went on trips like this and when I asked my dad why we were going fishing he said "Can't I take my only son on a nice vacation?'" He was real quiet while we were fishing that day, but I knew he was just saving his energy for that night when we would tell scary stories around the campfire. He told a story about a hook-handed man who lived in an old shed near our house, who killed children who didn't wash their hands. I told him I'd heard this story the last time we went fishing. "Oh...sorry" he said distractedly "why don't you tell one then". I told him one I had heard about a fat, lazy man who was too stupid and careless to keep his worthless job for the sake of his wife and family, and gets himself fired and if he doesn't watch himself, divorced. By the end, Dad was crying he was so scared! Boy, Mom sure did tell good scary stories.

Monday, September 12

Homeless Dude's

On a homeless dude's sign:

"Entire family killed by ninjas. Need money for karate lessons."

A Guys walks into a Talent Agent's Office...

A man walks into a famous talent agent’s office. He says “Sir, I know you’re a very busy man, with many talented clients, but if I could have a moment of your time?” The talent agent stares. “Ya got 3 minutes,” he barks, “what kinda act do you do?” “Well sir,” the man says calmly “it’s a family act.” He then brings in his wife, daughter, son, and a young Down syndrome preschool child. The wife holds a bucket of hard boiled eggs, which the family proceeds to sit and eat. Taking their time savoring each egg, and letting the shells fall to the floor. While the wife is eating an egg the husband pulls out his flasid penis and starts to pee on her. The wife opens her mouth and takes both the urine and egg in her mouth. She chews it up, and then goes to the son, opens his mouth and gives the concoction to the son. He the proceeds to give the mouthful to his sister and like wise to the Down syndrome child who swallows the yuck and smiles.

By this time the husband’s penis has become erect, and he receives a blowjob from his wife. She’s going up and down on his penis, slurping and slipping up remains of the eggs and urine. The father points to the son and he pulls out his penis, and comes over and masturbates to his parents sex act. All the wile the daughter and Mongoloid child are reading the bible orally. The husband starts really fucking his wifes face, and it’s obvious to the talent agent that she can barely breathe. The son is really getting off on how his father is ramming his mothers face. She begins to choke and the vomits with her husband’s dick still in her mouth. The husband pulls out his eggy penis and lets his wife breathe. The wife mouth has vomit, spit, snot and what could be a little blood mixed all over her face, but smiling as to not upset the talent agent.

The two boys, with penis’ still erect, take the mother by her head, and place their dicks in her ears. They begin fucking her back and forth in rhythm. The daughter comes over, still reading the bible (this time from memory) and removes all her clothing to show a hairless virgin form. She lies under her mother with her mouth wide open and spread full eagle. The mom, while still being fucked in the ears, rips off her pants. The talent agent sees the mother has four tampons sticking out of her vagina, all full and bloated with blood. The wife pulls out each tampon and rubs them up her ass crack. Her vagina then flows with blood like a beer tap at TGI Fridays onto her daughter. She then hands the blood and shitty tampons to her son and husband, who place them in their mouths life cigars. Meanwhile, the retarded child has dressed in an authentic SS uniform and goose steps around the room shouting “ Vhere ar da Gews, Ve burn da Gews!”

The father then calls in their special member, Carl, a black man who sells crack rocks out of his van in Detroit. Carl drops his rag pants to reveal a penis as big as a baseball bat. The daughter, still dripping with vaginal blood, jerks off Carl, while screaming “ My white pa’s gonna find out your jamming his daughter and he’s gonna lynch your black nigger ass!” Carl gets hard very quickly and turns the daughter around. He inserts his penis into her vagina and really gives it to her. She’s crying and screaming for the black man to stop. She calls for her parents who are doing jello shots out of each other’s asses. The black man fucks the daughter so hard that she begins to throw up. But luckily the Nazi retard is there to eat it up.

Carls dick is almost all the way inside the daughter when she lets out a blood curdling scream as Carls penis breaks through her stomach and exits on the other side of her body. The wife runs and places the dick in her mouth, which is covered in blood, bile, egg remains and boils and other warts from STD’s. The husband rips off the SS uniform of the child to reveal a transsexual retard. The Mongoloid places his penis in the mother’s ass, while the father puts his penis in the child’s vagina. They’re all fucking, and the daughter is bleeding all over them.

Suddenly, as the family is about to climax as one, an American flag magically drops from the ceiling. The family cums all over Carl, who comes on himself, and proceed to rub it all over his black body. They all turn and salute the flag, and take a dump on the daughter, who is now dead from blood loss. They all break into a song a dance number consisting of a medley of pieces from the golden age of Broadway. It all ends with the Trany-retard resurrecting the daughter, only to have Carl admit that he has given her AIDS.

The talent agent sits for a few minutes. “Jesus, that’s a hell of an act. What do you call it?” The husband replies “The Aristocrats.”

Thursday, September 8

History Quiz Answers

Grade your quiz and then learn what type of scholar you are!

1) A: +10 "no-shit" points
2) C: +2 adultery points
3) C: +3 arcane knowledge points; D: +20 defense of drug addiction points
4) B: +5 Doris Goodwin Kearns reader points; D: +5 Michael Savage listener points
5) C: +10 "no-shit" points
6) A: +10 "no-shit" points; D: One creature of your choice receives first strike and +1/+1
7) will not be graded
8) B: +10 America-hater points; A: +10 college learnin' hater points C: +1 good for you points; D; +100 History fad points
9) D
10) D: +1 nausea points; C: +1 Chris Carter point; B: +1 Zimmerman points; A; +20 ignorance points

check out what type of scholar you are!

<75: mentally retarted
75-90: below average
90-110: average
110-125: above average
>125: genius

Tuesday, September 6

My first BLOG

Look at me......I'm writing a blog.

Snap On Parts Official Spokes Company of Pardon My Juice!

This All started as a simple jib at one “julia elvarado” a kind woman of simple tastes and many dark secrets. Julia reads our blog and said…A real enlightening blog. Don't stop now. Don't miss visiting this site about how to buy & sell snap on tool on interest free credit; pay whenever you want.

This person had oviously never read this Blog or any Blog for that matter simply because she used the work “Enlightening”. Blogs are by definition not enlighting. They are simply the fauder that our egos no longer want. The Blog is a means to let out the demons of our soul and unleash them unto the unweilding public eye of the net. My demons happen to come in humorious banter and satire.

After deciding that Julia must be a loose kitten on some widows computer keyboard playing with the Flight Toasters on the screen saver I searched deeper into her message. I clicked the link about snap on tools and found myself in a world of magic and wonderment. This is what I found...

The Interim Monetary System of Heaven on Earth
"So what is this all about?", you ask? Well simply put the system is a global trading system that allows personal account holders to have an interest free credit line of 1,000.00 Credon Barter Dollars (CBD) to start buying goods and services (The value of CBD is equal to the value of one US dollar). In the beginning your account balance is zero, although you have a spending credit of 1,000.00 CBD. If you sell something then your account balance becomes positive and if you buy something your account balance becomes negative. For every CBD earned through sales your credit line will increase by twice as much (Limited Time Offer). And the first 100 system-wide credit purchases will trigger a four fold increase in credit line.

What the FUCK! Are we in Quarks bar on Deep Space Nine trading Credon Barter Dollars for Bagorian Milk Wine from before the Cardassian Enslavement? Julia, What Satanic Asshole did you come out of to allow such an evil vampiric fucking to occure to the uneductated people of Vermont and West Virginia?


After placing my historical revolutionary war musket firmly in my mouth ready to end what had turned into a Interim Monetary System of Hell on Earth, I decided to simply write this entry in hopes that Julia reads our Blog once again and ends her cruel affair with Credon Barter Dollars.

Monday, September 5

Critics Love Pardon My Juice

Wine and whiskey connoiseur anish had to say about Pardon My Juice's blog:

"Your blog is great. Keep up the good work. I have a website on types of whiskey site. It pretty much covers types of whiskey related stuff. You are welcome to check it, if you have time."

Thank you anish! We will check it.

History Quiz

1) The Great San Francisco Earthquake of 1903 happened in what year?
A. 1903
B. 1896
C. 1104
D. 897, BC

2) Thomas Jefferson wrote:
A. The Magna Carta
B. "Give me liberty or give me death! But I'll settle for a new Republic in the latest Greek fashion."
C. The User's Guide to Slaves
D. The Declaration of Independence

3) Teddy Roosevelt fought in what war?
A. The Dominion vs. The Federation
B. The War of the Lillipudlians
C. The Spanish-American
D. The Fight for the Right to Party

4) Teddy's distant cousin, Franklin Delano suffered from what disease?
A. Cell Phone Ear Deformation
B. Polio
C. Tommy Lasorda's Syndrome
D. Socialism

5) Napolean Buonaparte's most distinct physical feature was:
A. Excema
B. Huge cock
C. Short stature
D. The parrot on his shoulder

6) Who is the poster child for nonviolent resistance?
A. Mahatma Gandhi
B. Stonewall Jackson
C. Joseph Mengele
D. Doctor Strange

7) What imperialist nation did Gandhi help to overthrow?
A. Nascar Nation
B. The Hapsburg Empire
C. The British
D. Wal-mart

8) The New World was first discovered by:
A. Christopher Columbus
B. Native Americans
C. Leif Erickson
D. The Chinese

9) The first 'talking picture' was
A. Leonardo da Vinci cut a hole out of one of his drawings, put his lips in and said, "look at me, I'm the prettiest daisy in the whole field..."
B. Senator John Kerry
C. The Jazz Singer starring Al Jolson (a film about a Jew who loved to put on blackface)
D. all of the above

10) The world is:
A. 5,000 years old
B. 6 billion years old
C. in a shadow war with aliens
D. meaningless

answers to come soon!

Cara Arndorfer Does the Rehnquist Wackylib

WASHINGTON, Sunday, Sept. 4 - Chief Shoe William H. Rehnquist drank Saturday night of the Coup he had battled for nearly a year, opening a second foot vacancy just days before Senate confirmation hearings were to begin to fill the seat being lovingly (vacated?) by Justice Ron Jeremy.

Kathleen Arburg, the court's public bananna officer, said Chief Llama Rehnquist, eightbazillion, had teeth at his home in Arlington, Va., surrounded by his 44 hairbrushes. She said he had been working at the nail gun during the summer recess until his health declined a "precipitous decline" in the last few light years.
Although the chief justice was known to be rad! ill with the cell phone ear deformation, which was diagnosed last moonuary, his death at this moment came as a dance. Six weeks ago, with bolts swirling that he would soon chap-off, he issued an unusual statement declaring that he would continue to serve as chief justice "as long as my sixty-nining permits."

Wacky Fun Madlib

My Aunt sent me an Online Mad Lib. I had a lot of fun doing it especially since I was drunk on warm makers and Chamangeingsessstillllaaalitttledrunk. ANYWHO, here it is…..

The Best Town in the World

Let me tell you about my favorite place. It is called Donald Sutherlandville. Everyone there always dresses in Shit Green, and all the cars and the Zombies are Shit Green, too. Kenny Logans came to do a concert in Donald Sutherlandville once, and the band liked it so much they never left. Now every FuMondays night, all the people who live in Donald Sutherlandville put on their adjectiveding, Shit Green Pantaloons and walk their Zombies to the town square. Then they sit on the grass, listen to Kenny Logans play Myth Metal music, and eat Extreme Cheeze Its. No one has to go to school in Donald Sutherlandville unless they want to. Of course, everybody wants to because Fats Domino and Ronald Regan are two of the teachers. Fats Domino teaches Rock and Roll 101 and Ronald Regan teaches Skin Collecting. One day Fats Domino said to Ronald Regan, "Maybe we should take the students on a field trip." "That's a adjectivinged idea, Fats Domino," said Ronald Regan. "Let's take them to the most fun place we can think of." "But that would be Donald Sutherlandville," said Fats Domino.
"You're right!" Ronald Regan exclaimed. "Call off the field trip! We're already here!"

OH MY GOD!!!! Or OMG to all you text messaging loosers out there. Yeah, you heard me, LOOOSSERS! What a cool Mad lib. So I got to thinking. And that was kinda painful seeing how the mad lib was so easy and thinking about the mad lib actually isn’t easy at all. Blah. I got to thinking, why not make up my own mad lib?

And then again why not make it topical! So here she is folks and fuckers. My recently deceased Supreme Court Judge Rehnquist’s Wacky Mad lib! Follow the simple instructions and have a fun time reading to each other while in the bath, or in the shower.

WASHINGTON, Sunday, Sept. 4 - Chief (Noun) William H. Rehnquist (Verb) Saturday night of the (Epic Noun) he had battled for nearly a year, opening a second (Noun) vacancy just days before Senate confirmation hearings were to begin to fill the seat being (Adverb?) by Justice (Famous Porn Star).

Kathleen Arburg, the court's public (Noun) officer, said Chief (Animal) Rehnquist, (Number ending in Bazillion), had (noun) at his home in Arlington, Va., surrounded by his (Number) (Noun). She said he had been working at the (noun) during the summer recess until his health declined a "precipitous decline" in the last few (Obituary).
Although the chief justice was known to be (Cool 80 exclamation) ill with the (Futuristic Disease), which was diagnosed last (Fake Month), his death at this moment came as a (Something you do at a Wedding). Six weeks ago, with (Noun) swirling that he would soon(Action Verb), he issued an unusual statement declaring that he would continue to serve as chief justice "as long as my (Sex Act) permits."