Pardon My Juice: December 2005

Wednesday, December 28

parable

i'm a strong believer in subjectivity--i would say absolute, but that would be a joke.

Thursday, December 22

That's So Gay

(two men watch a car accident)

1: That was so gay.
2: Hey, man, that's not cool.
1: No, no, no. I don't mean that it's "gay," I just mean it's bad.
2: That's worse, man. That means you equate being gay with being bad.
1: No, it's not that I don't like gay people, it's just something I say to mean that something it bad. It's just something I say. Sometime's I just say it to mean "damn," like this: "Gay, I'm so fat."
2: So, you also equate being damned with being gay. Nice.
1: Dude, stop being so gay. It's just something I say.
2: How was what I just did gay?
1: It's not that you're "gay" it's just you're being stupid.
2: So, gay people are bad, stupid and damned.
1: Dude, stop being such a fucking fag. You know I like gay people.
2: I'm a fag now, but I thought I wasn't gay.
1: Stop it, asshole, or I'll fuck you in the ass.

(and so forth)

Wednesday, December 21

MySpace Quiz

Enough of all this "I started this at" and "what kind of car do you drive" and "have you ever been drunk" bullcrap, let's get to the nitty-gritty, the nuts and balls of what everyone wants to know about you.

Have you ever peed on yourself and not washed up afterwards? Ever "just let some go" to relieve the pressure?

Ever not washed your hands after wiping the crap from your ass?

Do you believe in God because it makes life more explicable?

Do you pretend to read books you've never read? If so, which ones and why?

What bands do you like because your friends do?

How often do you think about other people during sex?

How often do you admire your own genitals?

How often do you take great pleasure from watching other people fail?

What is the thing that makes you smile most often that makes other people cringe?

What is the phrase(s) you think but never say when other people ask or tell you to do something?

Who is the friend you like only in the context of other friends?

How often do you intentionally start arguments?

Favorite swear word? Why?

What racial stereotypes do you believe?

When was the last time you bumped into a parked car and not left a note telling them?

Do you have an hierarchy of friends? In other words, do you only call some friends when other friends are not available?

Do you keep one friend because you'll know they're almost always available?

Do you keep some friends because they make you feel more cool?

How often do you cynically criticize other people's dreams? When was the last time?

Do you get mad at people and, in retribution, tell their secrets to other people? When was the last time?

Ever stopped liking someone but kept hanging out with them because you were lonely?

How often are you lonely?

How often do you alleiviate your loneliness by using MySpace?

Watching TV?

Reading a book?

Reading a magazine?

Reading a magazine about people who are living the life you're not but want to?

When buying clothes, shoes or accessories, how often do you think about the poor foreign kids making it and not care about those poor foreign kids?

Do you know what nihilism is?

What word or words do you think you use incorrectly but still use because no one calls you on it?

Do you fetishize other cultures? (have tattoos in languages you don't speak, celebrate St. Patty's day like you're Irish, use cute french phrases, pronounce schedule "shedyule," etc.)

Do people of different ethnicities turn you on because they are of a different ethnicity?

When thinking about politics do you ever give up and think "fuck 'em all?" Have you ever suggested to "nuke the bastards" as a solution to an international dispute or problem?

After 9/11, did you do what the government said because you were terrified you might die?

After 9/11, did you think President Bush was doing a good job or did you just say that because you were scared?

How long after 9/11 did it take for you to start making jokes about 9/11?

Do you use ethnic slurs and then say they are "jokes?"

Do you feel like there is a 'right way' and a 'wrong way' to live? What are those ways?

Do you pass judgement on people immediately? Based on looks? Based on clothes? Based on the things they are talking about? Based on the color of their skin? Based on intelligence? Based on how they walk? Based on an accent or dialect?

Do you consider yourself a good person?

Thursday, December 15

Notes from the Last Meeting (Wednesday?)

Ideas
+Rebellious White Supremecists
+Inferior Rascists
+The War of the Mimes (tabled)
+Bilton Merle (...in the ass!)
+Fox Ecclesiastical Sunday

Two Quotes By The Doctor
"You're born a mime, but you can choose to be a person."
"Sometimes you love someone so much you have to yell at them all the time to let them know it."

Other things I wrote and now have no idea what they mean
"You're no fun anymore" (I think a reference to the Python sketch)
+Rich Little is the Anti-Christ
+Drinking at future meetings? Yes or No?
"Puppies in a box"
"Moon base--leave now"
"In the ass-o-nance" (clearly something to do with Bilton)
+Annual giving program
"I am incapable of love."

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Monday, December 12

Applied Mathematics

DOCTORATE
Protons, neutrons, whatever. It's time to move on.

FRIEND
But you have a Ph.D. in applied mathematics.

DOCTORATE
Woopty-do.

FRIEND
Did you just woopty do a doctorate in mathematics?

DOCTORATE
I'm thinking of taking up fishing. That'll really take up my attention for the next six to nine months.

Saturday, December 3

Musicians Strike For A Cause

The members of Harvey Danger laid down their instruments and started a revolution.

"It's been a long, long time coming and they finally decided to lay down the law," said Red Hot Chili Peppers lead singer Anthony Kiedis. "I'm suprised Flea didn't do it. It pisses him off more than anyone I know."

Surely, the moment will go down in Rock 'n Roll lore and insure a place in music history for the otherwise forgettable act most widely known for their single "Flagpole Sitta" released almost nine years ago.

Drunk members of a fraternity in Santa Barbara were attending Harvey Danger's show at a local music venue, Johnny's Flamingo, to support the release of their new album "Little by Little." The 'frat dicks,' as guitarist Jeff Lin called the fraternity members, started shouting "Freebird." After every song was over, when lead singer Sean Nelson was talking, pretty much the whole show, they shouted for "Freebird," Lynard Skynard's 1973 classic song. No one's exactly sure when, but drukenly yelling "Freebird" has become a cliche at concerts across the country.

After six songs, and the men still wouldn't stop after Nelson asked them and started to ignore them, Lin put down his guitar jumped off the stage and walked out of the front door of the club. Aaron Huffman, the bassist, followed soon after. Drummer Evan Sult and Nelson shared an extended look at each other before Sult shrugged, threw his sticks into the audience and followed. Lin then turned to the audience and said, "blame them" pointing at the men shouting "Freebird!"

The owner of the club, Johnny Flamingo, was furious and demanded the act come back and play the rest of their scheduled set, but the group refused. Instead, they drank beer and played darts at a dive bar half a mile away.

Flamingo demanded they pay him what the club lost in 35 minutes of concert revenue and brought a petty claims suit against the band for a total $750.

But then bands, with no connection to Harvey Danger, started striking when hearing concertgoers yell "Freebird." Kiedis read a short article about the Johnny's Flamingo incident in the Los Angeles Times and told the Chili Peppers about it. They agreed that they would join the strike if they heard more than one person shout for "Freebird" during their next concert. A week later, they put down their instruments.

"Every fan I've talked to has been completely with us on this. They agree that the joke, dubious in funniness to begin with, needs to stop. The only people we're going to piss off are drunk 'frat dicks.' And who really cares if we piss of drunk 'frat dicks?" asked Kiedis.

The Chili Peppers, an internationally famous band with numerous hit singles, showing their solidarity with Harvey Danger created a firestorm among touring musicians.

Some balked that a "stupid joke" could cause a protest, some joined in, some used it as an excuse to work less. The band Wilco started playing "Freebird" anytime anyone requested it. In the middle of their 10-minute-long rock opus "Spiders (Kidsmoke)" someone shouted "Freebird." Band leader and guitarist Tweedy exchanged a glance with his drummer and back-up guitarist and gradually shifted to "Freebird." (It instantly became an internet download hit and MTV2 is considering producing a video). Ten minutes lated when playing "I Am The Man Who Love You" someone else shouted it and they completely stopped the song and started the Lynard Skynard anthem.

Club owners and show organizers are increasingly furious at the lost revenue, but legal recourse is looking to be less and less possible. The Recording Artist's Union has supported the strike and the judge threw out Flamingo's case.

At the end of our interview, Kiedis pleaded with the fans of the world: "We'd rather play music than not, but the joke must end now. Now. For the love of God, stop yelling that damn joke."

Pardon My Juice