d Pardon My Juice: February 2006

Tuesday, February 28

Pardon My Juice

Consider the difference between the following two sentences:

"Would you like to come to my house?"

"Would you like to come at my house?"

The difference being a vowel and its location. The meanings of these two sentences are dramatically different.

In the first sentence, a person is being invited over for any innumerable reasons, one of which could be to come. The other is exact. There are, generally speaking, only a few activities that could produce the desired result. The result, however, is precise.

It's these little tightropes we walk without knowing them that create such headaches in everyday living.

"Tuck me in."
"Suck me in."

"Sit there and be still."
"Sit there and be shrill."

"Do you love your mother?"
"Do you shove your mother?"

"Care to eat some stew?
"Care to beat some Stu?"

"In which country does your family reside?"
"In which country can your family reside?"

"That's a witty and kind gesture."
"That's a witty and kind molsetor."

"Do you enjoy a good duck?"
"Do you enjoy a good fuck?"

And so forth. And I'm done.

Saturday, February 25

The Inestimable Don Knotts

Don Knotts, comic foil to Andy Griffith's Mayberry sheriff, passed on to the great big studio in the sky today.

I can honestly say that he is one of the first people I ever laughed at. Not because my parents watched reruns of The Andy Griffith Show but because I watched reruns of Matlock ad nauseum. If I wanted to, I could map out the Atlanta courthouse where Matlock defended his clients with the grace and charm of a southern gentlemen. I could tell you that Matlock ate two hot dogs from the concession stand every day.

Knotts was, naturally, Matlock's goofy neighbor. Came over and did some kooky-- probably during sweeps.

And no matter what he did, I laughed at him. Pretty hard. He was a shining light in the opressive heat and boredom of those summers post-day care, pre-day camp.

I don't really know why he was so funny. It could his been his voice. Maybe his timing. But whatever made him funny, I'll miss him.

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Friday, February 24

Sexy Doesn't even Descibe Him

Happy 59th Birthday Edward James Olmos!


Proving that ANYONE can work in Hollywood if you suck enough Dick.

hmmmm...not funny at all

Proving White Ugly Mexicans are Better than Dark Ugly Mexicans?


uuuuuhhhh.....that's....that's just not true...

Ok. Lets see.....hmmmmm....

Proving Talent suceeds over looks!


Warm Fuzzies all around!

Tuesday, February 21

Fun with P. T. Barnum

Text Book for Sale

Characters

Sales person
Chairman
Board Member 1
Likes It
Board Member 2
Super For It
Agrees with Everything SM says
Teacher
For It

Sketch
Chairman introduction to sketch
Business to begin
Read Minutes
Bake Sale
Chocolate vs. Chocolate with Nuts
Special Ed Games Next Week
Hall Ways Smelling Like Feet
Gym
Old Business
Settled
Chairman intro Teacher
Teacher Intro to Salesman
Salesman Intro Self
Hard Sell About the book itself
Problem w/ Books
Heavier?
“Our Books are Easier to Read”
Power Point
Chrome
“Square Books equals Square Minds”
Flashy
Fast Paced
Superficial Focus
Lots of Pictures
‘Man fucking his Wife’
BM2 Excited
SM ‘Any Questions?’
None
‘Ok lets sign this bitch’
BM1 Wants to hear more
SM takes a beat
Put off for a moment
Into Sales Pitch
Math Book
CM likes book just by flipping through
Likes it/Take a Vote
BM1 Looking at story problem
‘Monkey’ Story Problem
‘Hooker’ Story Problem
SM answer
“Old Math vs. New Math”
SM ‘sidesteps’ question
“Answer Question with Another answer to a Different question”
Into Biology Book
Biology Book
Sex Photos
Reproduction of the species
Smiley Faces over Male Genitalia
Flip Book
Animal having sex w/ dead animal
“Death and Dieing”
“The cat is going to Heaven, that’s real science”
BM1 finds biology book offensive
SM “text books can be offensive, which is why we have this book”
Into History Book
“This Book is Light”
Pictures of History with Cats and Dogs
9/11 joke toper?
Future Pictures of Atrocities?

More and More against the Salesman throughout the pitch
Board doesn’t want the books
SM Saddened
“I get it, I get it. It IS crazy. Crazy like a fox…But You Wanna Know What?! These books were made with a Dream. By a group of people Just Like Me…”
“A dream about a rainbow, and under that rainbow there were dew drops, and from those drew drops were born the children of our future…”
long speech
Has them the entire speech
BM2 slow clap
CM says “that’s not appropriate”
SM last word
“Knock 5 bucks off”
Group Goes for it!

Other Things to think about-to be placed in this sketch and others
Online University
Awesomeness
VooDoo/Medical Shawman
TV repair

Oxford University, Alaska/ Oxford University High School

Tuesday, February 14

A Review of Bill O'Reilly by a Five-Year-Old Girl Who Is Also Watching 'Blue's Clues'

NO! Over there!

Dad watches that guy a lot. I don't know--

(laughter)

I don't know what he's talkin' about--

YES! Bluuuue! (laughter)

Dad says 'yeah' a lot when he's watchin' him. One time he got mad.

Mom always leaves when he comes on.

(laughter)

I think he's really loud.



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Thursday, February 9

A Review of Bill O'Reilly by a Knight of the Round Table

Zounds!

A pale, thin-faced, irritating sycophant!

Nary an honourable part of him. Wherefore does he not join his noble battle for this poor business of democracy? Is there a sword in his hand? Is there a crossbow cradled in his arms? Why doth he not rejoin his efforts and fracas with his fellow men-at-arms?

Why doth he yell at people in civil discourse? What honorable man would suffer such inhuman and improper treatment?

It surely is a suprise that he has not been harmed mortally for his effrontery. If I would bother with such weak-kneed, fallow men, surely I would slaughter him outright and be done with such a worthless creature.

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Monday, February 6

A Review of Bill O'Reilly by a Person Who Helped Build the Empire State Building

This crazy mick yellin' and carryin' on like some kind of a prophet or one of them preachers that scream on the corner of Wall Street, tellin' everyone how they should do and what they should do (spits) it's all fucks to me. That guy hasn't done a single day of hard work in his whole goddamn life and he's sayin' about how Uncle Sam's out to get me--fuck him--Uncle Sam's out to get sonsabitches like him and his whole crazy mick family. The way he carries on, fucks--

(Spits, pulls a small, hand-rolled cigarette out of his shirt pocket) Got a light?

He's like my three-year-old daughter whinin' about balls of nothin' when she's got everything in her life handed to her on a silver goddamn platter. Was she orphaned in Philadelphia at the age of one by a whore of a mother and some sailor on leave from the Cuban conflict? Did she have to work for every goddamn thing in her life and starve half the time and then told that he wasn't worth a heap of shit by everyone 'cept the foreman for this here job? No and either was that sonuvabitch.

I'd teach him what's what if I ever met the guy. Teach the lesson of hard knocks and then maybe he shut his goddamn yap and do somethin' for a change instead sittin' in his cushy office and readin' the damn papers. I knock his teeth right out of his Harvard educated face is what I'd do.

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Saturday, February 4

Robert Blake ain't Happy


A letter from Robert Blake in response to the accusations presented by the writers of “Pardon My Juice”.

“WOW, I thought this was over. But it seems some people don’t know when the gangbang is over. I was found guilty by a group of my peers? Come on, my peers are drug addicts and child molesters, this buncha shit eaters aren’t my peers. But insteada jail, these fucks decide to waste more of my time by causing to pay 30 million in Damages. You know how many people I could marry and then kill by the time you could count to 30 million? A lot!

By that’s in the past. My life now devoted to reading “A Million Little Pieces” (Fuckin’ Liar! Where was Oprah when I needed her warn out asshole?) and taking photos of my naked body amongst corpse. Let me tell you it’s quite the life. Then some shlum comes along and throws my name into some Gay Fantasy Blog? Man, I thought Robert Downey Jr. would do anything for coke. These fucks would Whack-Off all the Supreme Court and half the senate for a laugh.”

Guess What I Found?

A headless bird?
My credit card?
A lost library book?
The fountain of youth?
Formica kitten statues?
An LP of Guns 'n Roses Appetite for Destruction?
A great new suhsi joint?
Steve Martin's soul?
The bucket of truth?
A jukebox at a good price?
The source of Dane Cook's popularity?
How To Get Away With Murder Everytime? by Robert Blake
An explanation on how the Rolling Stones continue to tour?
My favorite pair of slacks?
My girlfriend's secret blog she won't let me read or tell me what she's writing about?
An counterfeit 20 dollar bill?
A good roasted eggplant recipe?
A bust of Cato?
Kellen's and Jon's gay sex video escapade?
Osama bin Laden?
The Sorcerer's Stone? (British: The Philosopher's Stone?)
Shakespeare's "real" identity?
Liz's dissertation on doctoratecheat.com?
Three forks lodged in my upper right kitchen cabinet?
The ghost writer for Good Will Hunting?
My grandpa's real grandmother?
The key to Snoop Dogg's cool?
Gotham City on a map?
A lost Vermeer?
John Coltrane's lost last recodring session in the Library of Congress?
An antique vase in what used to be a garbage chute?
My sunny disposition?
Hirsh's sense of humor?
Barton's Hamlet?
The good in goodbye?
The sin in sincere?

NOPE!

I FOUND THE SCRIPT TO MIME LAWYER!!!

Thursday, February 2

a quote

"Lack of money is no obstacle. Lack of an idea is an obstacle." -- Ken Hakuta