d Pardon My Juice: February 2006

Tuesday, February 28

Pardon My Juice

Consider the difference between the following two sentences:

"Would you like to come to my house?"

"Would you like to come at my house?"

The difference being a vowel and its location. The meanings of these two sentences are dramatically different.

In the first sentence, a person is being invited over for any innumerable reasons, one of which could be to come. The other is exact. There are, generally speaking, only a few activities that could produce the desired result. The result, however, is precise.

It's these little tightropes we walk without knowing them that create such headaches in everyday living.

"Tuck me in."
"Suck me in."

"Sit there and be still."
"Sit there and be shrill."

"Do you love your mother?"
"Do you shove your mother?"

"Care to eat some stew?
"Care to beat some Stu?"

"In which country does your family reside?"
"In which country can your family reside?"

"That's a witty and kind gesture."
"That's a witty and kind molsetor."

"Do you enjoy a good duck?"
"Do you enjoy a good fuck?"

And so forth. And I'm done.

posted by Turn The Heaton at 2:39 p.m. 1 comments

Saturday, February 25

The Inestimable Don Knotts

Don Knotts, comic foil to Andy Griffith's Mayberry sheriff, passed on to the great big studio in the sky today.

I can honestly say that he is one of the first people I ever laughed at. Not because my parents watched reruns of The Andy Griffith Show but because I watched reruns of Matlock ad nauseum. If I wanted to, I could map out the Atlanta courthouse where Matlock defended his clients with the grace and charm of a southern gentlemen. I could tell you that Matlock ate two hot dogs from the concession stand every day.

Knotts was, naturally, Matlock's goofy neighbor. Came over and did some kooky-- probably during sweeps.

And no matter what he did, I laughed at him. Pretty hard. He was a shining light in the opressive heat and boredom of those summers post-day care, pre-day camp.

I don't really know why he was so funny. It could his been his voice. Maybe his timing. But whatever made him funny, I'll miss him.

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posted by Turn The Heaton at 4:35 p.m. 0 comments

Tuesday, February 14

A Review of Bill O'Reilly by a Five-Year-Old Girl Who Is Also Watching 'Blue's Clues'

NO! Over there!

Dad watches that guy a lot. I don't know--

(laughter)

I don't know what he's talkin' about--

YES! Bluuuue! (laughter)

Dad says 'yeah' a lot when he's watchin' him. One time he got mad.

Mom always leaves when he comes on.

(laughter)

I think he's really loud.



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posted by Turn The Heaton at 11:21 a.m. 0 comments

Thursday, February 9

A Review of Bill O'Reilly by a Knight of the Round Table

Zounds!

A pale, thin-faced, irritating sycophant!

Nary an honourable part of him. Wherefore does he not join his noble battle for this poor business of democracy? Is there a sword in his hand? Is there a crossbow cradled in his arms? Why doth he not rejoin his efforts and fracas with his fellow men-at-arms?

Why doth he yell at people in civil discourse? What honorable man would suffer such inhuman and improper treatment?

It surely is a suprise that he has not been harmed mortally for his effrontery. If I would bother with such weak-kneed, fallow men, surely I would slaughter him outright and be done with such a worthless creature.

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posted by Turn The Heaton at 12:04 p.m. 0 comments

Monday, February 6

A Review of Bill O'Reilly by a Person Who Helped Build the Empire State Building

This crazy mick yellin' and carryin' on like some kind of a prophet or one of them preachers that scream on the corner of Wall Street, tellin' everyone how they should do and what they should do (spits) it's all fucks to me. That guy hasn't done a single day of hard work in his whole goddamn life and he's sayin' about how Uncle Sam's out to get me--fuck him--Uncle Sam's out to get sonsabitches like him and his whole crazy mick family. The way he carries on, fucks--

(Spits, pulls a small, hand-rolled cigarette out of his shirt pocket) Got a light?

He's like my three-year-old daughter whinin' about balls of nothin' when she's got everything in her life handed to her on a silver goddamn platter. Was she orphaned in Philadelphia at the age of one by a whore of a mother and some sailor on leave from the Cuban conflict? Did she have to work for every goddamn thing in her life and starve half the time and then told that he wasn't worth a heap of shit by everyone 'cept the foreman for this here job? No and either was that sonuvabitch.

I'd teach him what's what if I ever met the guy. Teach the lesson of hard knocks and then maybe he shut his goddamn yap and do somethin' for a change instead sittin' in his cushy office and readin' the damn papers. I knock his teeth right out of his Harvard educated face is what I'd do.

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posted by Turn The Heaton at 11:34 a.m. 0 comments

Saturday, February 4

Guess What I Found?

A headless bird?
My credit card?
A lost library book?
The fountain of youth?
Formica kitten statues?
An LP of Guns 'n Roses Appetite for Destruction?
A great new suhsi joint?
Steve Martin's soul?
The bucket of truth?
A jukebox at a good price?
The source of Dane Cook's popularity?
How To Get Away With Murder Everytime? by Robert Blake
An explanation on how the Rolling Stones continue to tour?
My favorite pair of slacks?
My girlfriend's secret blog she won't let me read or tell me what she's writing about?
An counterfeit 20 dollar bill?
A good roasted eggplant recipe?
A bust of Cato?
Kellen's and Jon's gay sex video escapade?
Osama bin Laden?
The Sorcerer's Stone? (British: The Philosopher's Stone?)
Shakespeare's "real" identity?
Liz's dissertation on doctoratecheat.com?
Three forks lodged in my upper right kitchen cabinet?
The ghost writer for Good Will Hunting?
My grandpa's real grandmother?
The key to Snoop Dogg's cool?
Gotham City on a map?
A lost Vermeer?
John Coltrane's lost last recodring session in the Library of Congress?
An antique vase in what used to be a garbage chute?
My sunny disposition?
Hirsh's sense of humor?
Barton's Hamlet?
The good in goodbye?
The sin in sincere?

NOPE!

I FOUND THE SCRIPT TO MIME LAWYER!!!

posted by Turn The Heaton at 3:32 p.m. 0 comments

Thursday, February 2

a quote

"Lack of money is no obstacle. Lack of an idea is an obstacle." -- Ken Hakuta

posted by Turn The Heaton at 11:36 a.m. 0 comments