d Pardon My Juice: Bruce Banner Nominated to Supreme Court

Tuesday, September 13

Bruce Banner Nominated to Supreme Court

President Bush, in a startling and gutsy move, nominated biologist Dr. Bruce Banner to replace Sandra Day O'Connor as the ninth Supreme Court justice. At a ceremony in the White House's Rose Garden with Banner at his side, he declared his support for what many consider the most controversial Supreme Court Nominee in history.

"What Mr. Banner lacks in legal knowledge he makes up with old moral know-how. He may not know fancy Latin terms, but he knows right from wrong," said the President.

Banner appeared sanguine and somewhat disheveled next to the President in his characteristic jeans and white tee-shirt. Many in the audience were uneasy even being in the presence of Banner. The nominee is known for a genetic disability that turns him into a gigantic green human with god-like strength when angry. Several media outlets have taken to calling his transformed self, "The Incredible Hulk," or just "The Hulk." The audience visibly winced when he sneezed during the President's short remarks. Even the President was a litte taken aback and paused at that point.

Banner's remarks after the President's speech were brief and essentially thanked the President for the opportunity to serve his country in such a fashion. The press corps exhaled with relief when he announced that he would not be taking questions at the time. A senior White House aide said, "In fact, the entire White House, probably all of DC breathed a sigh of relief."

"It's a goddamn, mother(expletive) disgrace that this president, a goddamn law-and-order president, would nominate Bruce Banner to a federal position--any federal position," said General Thaddeus "Thunderbolt" Ross. Gen. Ross is quickly becoming Banner's harshest critic. "The beast has destroyed half of every major city in America, killed hundreds of innocent people and wasted millions of tax dollars in attempts to stop his fits of rage. It's not just a disgrace, it's a little terrifying. This will go down as the President's biggest misstep. And I (expletive) love this president."

Bush defended his nominee's record in his speech saying, "Banner has his problems, heck, we all do. But he's working through them and I have confidence that he'll do one bang-up job." After he realized that he had misspoke, and Banner ashamedly hid his face in his hands, the president continued, "Err... I mean, he'll do a great job. Dr. Bruce is a strong human being and a welcome presence on the bench." When the audience laughed, the President looked at them quizically.

Few American citizens seem to support the choice. Professor Charles Xavier of Xavier's School for Gifted Children, widely renowned for being the world's foremost expert on genetics and mutation expressed a grave concern over this appointment. "Dr. Banner has no control over his mutation. It's not like other mutants who have trained for years to understand their powers and use them for good. One time, he was visiting my school doing some research with me and destroyed the whole thing after he knocked over a cup of tea." He added that mutant insurance is comprehensive but there are treasures he'll never get back.

Some aruge that the appointment is purely political. "The President is simply trying to win over the minority vote by appointing a minority while supporting and enforcing policies that discriminate," said the Rainbow Coalition's Rev. Jesse Jackson in a seperate press conference at a non-descript location in Los Angeles.

Others are more concerned with his complete lack of legal authority or training. A group of 5,000 lawyers have signed a petition asking the President to reconsider his choice. The group expects to gain the signatures of, essentially, every lawyer in the country.

But Senate Republicans have supported the choice and assured the President that they'll get Banner on the bench.

"He's the right man for the job. Our president picked him and I have faith in my president," said Senator (R-MS) Trent Lott.

1 Comments:

Blogger Dr Terrett said...

funnies thing I've read in year. Corse, I just got back froma binge at indago, and wooooo, i'm blitzed....hope this is spelled reight cause fuck it I care!

1:56 a.m.  

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