d Pardon My Juice: Banner Confirmation Hearing; Half of DC In Ruins

Wednesday, September 21

Banner Confirmation Hearing; Half of DC In Ruins

After Senator Arlen Specter (R-PA) asked Supreme Court nominee and biologist Dr. Bruce Banner a question on legal precedent, a record thirtieth time in any Supreme Court confirmation hearing, the genetic mutation in Banner acted up and he turned into his alter ego, a green monster two times the size of a normal human being often coined, "The Incredible Hulk."

As Banner's genetic transformed him, he shouted "Stare decisis make Hulk angry! Hulk smash!" and leapt directly at the Pennsylvanian senator. Interlacing his fingers, raising his arms above his head, he brought them directly down on Specter's horrified face, killing him instantly, leaving only a non-recognizable glob where the chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee once sat. He then ripped a portion of the long table in the [blank] room and heaved it at Senator Diane Feinstein (D-CA), knocking her head clean off. He then leapt to Senator Sam Brownback (R-KS), picked him up and threw him at Senator Charles E. Schumer (D-NY) killing them both on contact. He then thrust his shoulder down and ran directly into the gallery destroying all the television cameras and recording devices. What happened within the room after the cameras were destroyed will probably never be known as Banner not only, directly or indirectly killed every person in the room, but destoryed the entire US Capitol building.

The death toll continues to rise, but estimates place the number at approximately 1,200 people. There are 55 confirmed deaths including Specter, Feinstein, Brownback and Schumer. Also confirmed were the remaining 14 members of the Judiciary Committee: Joeseph R. Biden, Jr. (D-MA), Tom Coburn (R-OK), John Cornyn (R-TX), Mike DeWine (R-OH), Richard J. Durbin (D-IL), Russell D. Feingold (D-WI), Lindsey Graham (R-SC), Charles E. Grassley (R-IA), Orrin G. Hatch (R-UT), Edward M. Kennedy (D-MA), Herbert Kohl (D-WI), Jon Kyl (R-AZ), Patrick J. Leahy (R-VT) and Jeff Sessions (R-AL). By the times helicopters were dispatched to view the scene, Banner had already left the Capitol in ruins and was half-leaping, half-flying towards the reflecting pool between the Lincoln and Washington memorials. His splashdown left the pool empty.

The most shocking event of the day, however, came when Banner ripped the Washington Monument out of the ground, broke it into two pieces and threw the sharp, upper end of the obelisk like a javelin at the Lincoln Monument and the blunt, lower end like a shot put at the Jefferson Monument. The throws left both touchstones of American culture nothing more than piles of rubble.

Nielsen Media Research estimates that nearly 95% of the US population watched the three memorials destruction. They also watched aghast as Banner let out a primal scream that could literally be heard in Seattle and Los Angeles and, some reports say, as far as London, and then turned in the direction of the White House. (Some reports are also saying that he used a word in this scream, "jurisprudence.")

A feature of Banner's genetic mutation is that the angrier he becomes, the larger he becomes. By the time he was charging the White House, he was 60 feet tall and 27 feet wide. Miraculously, his trademark purple jeans still shrouded his genetalia.

As he charged the White House, an entire tank battalion was set in front of him and a flight of fighter jets were scrambled to stop him. Missile and shells bounced off him like they were fired from toy guns and size only increased. At one point, he jumped straight into the air and, with a single punch, knocked two jets from the sky.

The nation breathed a sigh of relief after he leaped over the White House and continued his rampage north. He reached the National Zoological Park, crushed a few of the pens and accidentally released several vicious animals before deciding he had gone in the wrong direction. In a single leap, he reached Fort Meyer and starting tossing around cars, jeeps, jets, tanks and helicopters like sporting equipment. When a suicide fuel truck was driving straight at him, he sidestepped it, punched it in the center, broke it in two and used the sides for huge, steel boxing gloves. The entire fort was dismantled in less than an hour and a half.

The Air Force than scrambled every fighter jet in the Eastern United States and several National Guard units were being marshalled to combat Banner only four hours after the destruction of the Capitol, a force headed by Banner's harshest Supreme Court critic, General Thaddeus "Thunderbolt" Ross.

"I don't have time for extended 'I told you so' but let it be noted that I did," said Ross to a reporter who was interviewing him at the time of the confirmation hearing about Banner as a judicial nominee.

In a leap similar to the one to Fort Meyers, Banner landed on the Supreme Court and crushed it. It seemed that a recognition of his destruction occurred when he picked up the head of Confucius from the eastern sculpture and started to mumble. He started to shrink right as the largest military force assembled in the US mainland reached him. As he was shrinking more and more, he looked at the forces flying straight at him and jumped west.

Although several jets were ordered to follow, they were unable to find him.

Ross held an immediate press conference on what were the steps of the Supreme Court. "We're going to hunt you down Banner and kill you. Do you hear me, Banner! You've destroyed the very heart of democracy and freedom and, finally, finally, finally, I have full license to find you, at whatever cost necessary. Make no mistake Banner, I'm going to get you. I'm going to kill you and end the misery you've caused me and the entire United States."

The president has scheduled a press conference for this evening to address Banner and the destruction of Washington.


Blogger Dr Terrett said...

When I saw "Half of DC in Ruins" I was all like, "Wow Heat, way to pick on us DC fans. So what if I like Green Lantern More than Spiderman, or the JLA more than the X-men. Fuck you!" Then I was sad for gtetting angry, and then I read on, and felt like an ass.

5:35 p.m.  

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