d Pardon My Juice: The Gay Flu

Sunday, October 16

The Gay Flu

(a riff both jazzy and militaristic with a glaring "Worldwide Weekly News Network" graphic triumphantly dropping into the screen)

In a speech in the White House's East Room, President Bush said today that the United States is not ready to face a Gay Flu like the one ripping its way through Communist China and Turkey and directed the federal government to prepare for the worst in case of a Gay Pandemic. We go to our Washington correspondent, Hewlett Packard, outside the White House:

That's right, Ruff, and he compared the death a Gay Flu would cause to fifteen Katrina-sized hurricanes and said that American cuisine and fashion would be never be the same.

(a long clip of one the President's long silences)

The President seemed to say with that extended pause that for our children's future, and so we don't face the same fate of Communist China, we have to take steps now to prevent the spread of this horrible, horrible Gay Flu. He said that if we can learn anything from the tragedy of Hurricane Katrina is that the government is worthless and ineffectual and that our medical infrastructure couldn't handle a disaster like the one they're facing in Communist China. He directed, in his words, the "bloated federal government" to research ways to prevent an outbreak like the one seen in Communist China. At one point in his speech he directed a question directly at the press corps asking, "You don't want to be like Communist China do you?"

(a different clip of one the President's longer silences, preferably in a different location)

President Bush closed the speech with that pregnant pause, wordlessly inveighing the magnitude of this threat of the Gay Flu.

Did the President give any indication on the sort of direction he'd like, as he calls it, "the costly bureaucracy" of the federal government to go?

No, Ruff, he didn't. He said he expected a report from every department, bureau head and secretary by the same time next year. He told them that while the Gay Flu was urgent, there was no need to hurry.

Thanks, Hewlett. But even as the President challenged this nation, defenders of the President were forming petition committees in every state that allows the initiative process to ban Gay Flu Marriage. A press release from the national headquartes of "Man Flu + Woman Flu = Flu Sanctity" they said that Gay Flu Marriages, like the one's seen earlier this year in Vermont and Oregon, were the first steps to the fall of Western civilization and said that this Gay Flu Marriage is a more indisious threat than Fascism or Communism. The group who vigorously supported President Bush in 2004, asked that if Gay Flu Marriage is allowed, what's to stop the marriage of cows to geese or man to beast? What's to stop marriage between brothers and sisters?

In unrelated news, the death toll on American soldiers in Iraq is approaching 2,000...


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