Pardon My Juice

Variations on a Theme From O'Reilly's Rhapsody

Bill O'Reilly is getting in some hot water for saying this: "There wasn't one person in Sylvia's who was screaming, 'M-Fer, I want more iced tea.'"

The following is his train of thought that followed that quote in his head.

--Black Person: And, while you're at it, bring me some goddamn orange sherbert, and maybe some sugar for my nigger's coffee. Hurry your black ass up and get the crepes out here. (to Al, his black friend) Oh, Al, baby, Al you gotta try this motherfucking '89 cabernet sauvignon from this tiny little winery that my bitch found on a trip through France...

Another Black Person: Damn girl, these cupcakes are whack.

Female Black Person: And just wait 'til you get a taste of the banana bread I made.

Another Black Person: Shit bitchl! (to Black Person) She makes some great fucking hollandaise sauce, nigga.

Black Person: Yea... Goddamn it where's my crepes, bitch?

Black Waiter: You just have to wait for your goddamn crepes like everybody else, motherfucker.

Black Person: I don't spend time waitin' for crepes from anyone. (pulls his 'piece'.)

Black Waiter: You don't be pulling that shit in this fine eating establishment (also pulls his 'piece.')

Another Black Person: You don't be pullin' that shit on my fellow member of the Crips. (flashes the crips gang sign before pulling his 'piece.')

(the place erupts into gang violence where a white woman is some how raped)--

These images and thoughts were culled from three rap music videos made in the mid-90's and D.W. Griffith's The Birth of a Nation.

Strong and Weak Points of Watching the Tony's

--uproarious applause for Hal Holbrook
--acceptance speeches are eloquent and erudite, as if the speakers are used to being in front of an audience and using polysyllabic words
--no fear of some insipid twit being incapable of reading the teleprompter
--all the excitement of live performance filtered through your television
--you get to learn the names of all those character actors you see all the time and go, "hey, isn't it that one guy?"
--watching Molly Ringwald decay before your eyes
--Adam Sandler's specific... genius(?) carries into musical theater
--a woman leaning over to her husband after a joke and mouthing, "lame."
--women who obviously lack eating disorders
--Clifford Odets, Bertolt Brecht, Edward Albee, Stephen Sondheim and Oprah
--the producers trying to spice up announcing the straight play nominees.
--leaving two-thirds of the way through without seeing the big winners which I haven't seen

an inconvenient truth

al gore's movie 'an inconvenient truth' is being billed as "the most terrifying movie you will ever see." is that because we see what would have happened if our president had been competent?

June 2 and June 3

PARDON MY JUICE WILL PERFORM SKETCH COMEDY AT THE LORD LEEBRICK THEATER COMPANY IN EUGENE, OR AT 10:30pm. BE THERE.

A Joke For Old People

I was at the druggist's the other day, picking up some nitro pills for the old ticker, when I struck up a conversation with a young lady of 60. Somehow, we traded pills. I grew hair on my lip and her heart exploded.

Pardon My Juice

Consider the difference between the following two sentences:

"Would you like to come to my house?"

"Would you like to come at my house?"

The difference being a vowel and its location. The meanings of these two sentences are dramatically different.

In the first sentence, a person is being invited over for any innumerable reasons, one of which could be to come. The other is exact. There are, generally speaking, only a few activities that could produce the desired result. The result, however, is precise.

It's these little tightropes we walk without knowing them that create such headaches in everyday living.

"Tuck me in."
"Suck me in."

"Sit there and be still."
"Sit there and be shrill."

"Do you love your mother?"
"Do you shove your mother?"

"Care to eat some stew?
"Care to beat some Stu?"

"In which country does your family reside?"
"In which country can your family reside?"

"That's a witty and kind gesture."
"That's a witty and kind molsetor."

"Do you enjoy a good duck?"
"Do you enjoy a good fuck?"

And so forth. And I'm done.

The Inestimable Don Knotts

Don Knotts, comic foil to Andy Griffith's Mayberry sheriff, passed on to the great big studio in the sky today.

I can honestly say that he is one of the first people I ever laughed at. Not because my parents watched reruns of The Andy Griffith Show but because I watched reruns of Matlock ad nauseum. If I wanted to, I could map out the Atlanta courthouse where Matlock defended his clients with the grace and charm of a southern gentlemen. I could tell you that Matlock ate two hot dogs from the concession stand every day.

Knotts was, naturally, Matlock's goofy neighbor. Came over and did some kooky-- probably during sweeps.

And no matter what he did, I laughed at him. Pretty hard. He was a shining light in the opressive heat and boredom of those summers post-day care, pre-day camp.

I don't really know why he was so funny. It could his been his voice. Maybe his timing. But whatever made him funny, I'll miss him.

A Review of Bill O'Reilly by a Five-Year-Old Girl Who Is Also Watching 'Blue's Clues'

NO! Over there!

Dad watches that guy a lot. I don't know--

(laughter)

I don't know what he's talkin' about--

YES! Bluuuue! (laughter)

Dad says 'yeah' a lot when he's watchin' him. One time he got mad.

Mom always leaves when he comes on.

(laughter)

I think he's really loud.

A Review of Bill O'Reilly by a Knight of the Round Table

Zounds!

A pale, thin-faced, irritating sycophant!

Nary an honourable part of him. Wherefore does he not join his noble battle for this poor business of democracy? Is there a sword in his hand? Is there a crossbow cradled in his arms? Why doth he not rejoin his efforts and fracas with his fellow men-at-arms?

Why doth he yell at people in civil discourse? What honorable man would suffer such inhuman and improper treatment?

It surely is a suprise that he has not been harmed mortally for his effrontery. If I would bother with such weak-kneed, fallow men, surely I would slaughter him outright and be done with such a worthless creature.

A Review of Bill O'Reilly by a Person Who Helped Build the Empire State Building

This crazy mick yellin' and carryin' on like some kind of a prophet or one of them preachers that scream on the corner of Wall Street, tellin' everyone how they should do and what they should do (spits) it's all fucks to me. That guy hasn't done a single day of hard work in his whole goddamn life and he's sayin' about how Uncle Sam's out to get me--fuck him--Uncle Sam's out to get sonsabitches like him and his whole crazy mick family. The way he carries on, fucks--

(Spits, pulls a small, hand-rolled cigarette out of his shirt pocket) Got a light?

He's like my three-year-old daughter whinin' about balls of nothin' when she's got everything in her life handed to her on a silver goddamn platter. Was she orphaned in Philadelphia at the age of one by a whore of a mother and some sailor on leave from the Cuban conflict? Did she have to work for every goddamn thing in her life and starve half the time and then told that he wasn't worth a heap of shit by everyone 'cept the foreman for this here job? No and either was that sonuvabitch.

I'd teach him what's what if I ever met the guy. Teach the lesson of hard knocks and then maybe he shut his goddamn yap and do somethin' for a change instead sittin' in his cushy office and readin' the damn papers. I knock his teeth right out of his Harvard educated face is what I'd do.

Pardon My Juice

Saturday, October 6

Variations on a Theme From O'Reilly's Rhapsody

Tuesday, June 13

Strong and Weak Points of Watching the Tony's

Thursday, May 25

an inconvenient truth

Saturday, May 13

June 2 and June 3

Tuesday, March 14

A Joke For Old People

Tuesday, February 28

Pardon My Juice

Saturday, February 25

The Inestimable Don Knotts

Tuesday, February 14

A Review of Bill O'Reilly by a Five-Year-Old Girl Who Is Also Watching 'Blue's Clues'

Thursday, February 9

A Review of Bill O'Reilly by a Knight of the Round Table

Monday, February 6

A Review of Bill O'Reilly by a Person Who Helped Build the Empire State Building

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seven months and all we have are cum-covered hands and money on the bedside table