d Pardon My Juice: Dear Mr. Monster,

Wednesday, August 24

Dear Mr. Monster,

Several years ago, Cookie Monster became frustrated that people misunderstood his verbal suggestions to improve their lives. He felt he needed to compensate for his speech impediments and started writing a weekly advice column for a small newspaper out of Sesame Street. It was quickly picked up by alternative weeklies across the country. Pardon My Juice, however, has picked up special web publishing rights.

Dear Mr. Monster,

My boyfriend and I are having trouble finding quality time together. He works a graveyard shift and I work during the day. What can we do?

Cutie Need QT

Dear Cutie Needs QT,

Cookies are best enjoyed in the morning with loved ones.


Dear Cookie,

The other day my husband went to the bar with his buddies but came back smelling like really sweet alcohol or perfume. He said it was from a woman his single friend picked-up. When I bring it up, he becomes testy and tells me to drop it. I want to talk about what happened that night, but he wont let me.

Wife In Need of Help

Dear Wife,

I find that a chocolate chip followed by a snickerdoodle is a good way to relax people and get them to open up. If your husband can resist even that tempting combination, you might want to seek professional couples counseling.


Dear Cookie Monster,

Lately my girlfriend has been urging me to find a higher paying job. She says I'm wasting my MBA by teaching high school English. I find teaching teenagers to understand and enjoy Shakespeare is the greatest reward in the world. I also love my girlfriend and have thought of asking her to marry me.

Modern Day Hamlet

Dear Modern Day Hamlet,

Like the character you've chosen to sign as, you'll want to sit down and ponder this question. I find that oatmeal raisin are the most conducive for this purpose. Why does your girlfriend care how much money you make? Why does she want you to quit something that brings you so much joy? In fact, this may take a whole batch--but if you combine it with a brisk walk, the calories won't affect you too much. It seems like she may be concerned that if you do marry, you won't have enough money to live comfortably. No matter how much you love this woman, marrying her will not be as satisfying a life fulfilled by teaching, especially if she's perpetually concerned with money. This is a tough cookie to chew and I wonder what conclusion you'll come to.


Dear Cookie Monster,

THANK YOU SO MUCH! The other day I made a half-batch of peanut butter cookies (so it would seem like I was just being neighborly by giving them some snacks I couldn't eat--just like you said!) and gave them to my neighbors with the barking dog. I casually mentioned that the little monster (no offense) was interrupting my sleep and they immediately became concerned. They brought the dog into the next room and beat it to an inch of its life, but, I'll be damned if the dog ever barks again! You're the absolute dough!

Barking Dog Driving Me Barking Mad


This is horrible! Cookies are instruments of peace and love, not animal abuse! The dog may not bark again, but at what cost? You have a few more nights of sleep? Not to mention I think you've internalized some very serious monsterism, intolerance and anger. You should go on a three month long cookie avoidance diet and the write me back to tell me you understand the pain you've caused that dog.



Post a Comment

<< Home