d Pardon My Juice: Tiger Woods Loses Green Jacket To Fourteen-Year-Old

Wednesday, August 17

Tiger Woods Loses Green Jacket To Fourteen-Year-Old

Perhaps mockingly, Jake Jacobs, thrust his fist into the air like Tiger Woods would have at a major tournament. It was the eighteenth hole at Silly Sally's Putt Spectacular and he had just sunk a birdie to finish his defeat of the number one ranked golfer in the world.

"I'm no great shakes at much of anything," said Jacobs, "I doubt I'll amount to much. But now I'll have a story to tell my kids and my grandkids and an event I can latch onto until I die of cancer."

Admittedly, the short and skinny teenager looked ridiculous in Tiger Woods green jacket, but he thought he might grow into it.

At the barbeque of Jenny and Jason Jacobs, friends of Woods' wife, Jake declared he was the greatest putt-putt golfer in the world and could take down anyone, including Tiger Woods--not knowing the 9-time major winner was standing just behind him at the grill.

Apparently enraged, Woods shouted at the child that he would, "take him down, anywhere, anytime, any place," and threw his unfinished burger and potato salad to the ground.

The child, not to be bullied, sniggered at him and said something to the effect of, "Hey old man, you can drive 300 yards but your greens work makes you look like a sissy." To which Woods grabbed Jacobs by the arm and thrust him into his Cadillac.

Terry Sheklow, who attended the barbeque, had this to say: "I've never seen anything like it. You wouldn't think a man compared to Jack Nicklaus and Arnold Palmer would let himself be goaded by a fourteen-year-old who has no discernable talents. Well, I guess he has one talent now."

Every guest at the barbeque hopped into their cars and followed the two to Silly Sally's. In the parking lot, Woods pulled out his Nike-sponsored putter and taunted the teen, "where's your endorsment deal?"

Unfortunately for Woods, the course would allow only the brightly colored balls rented at the counter.

"You can bring whatever putter you want, but not your own balls. I'm not going to have every Tom, Dick and Sally screw with my course and play as many times as they want, even if they're allowed into the Champions Room at Augusta," said Silly Sally's owner, Sally Armstrong. She then tied a balloon into a gazelle and pretended it was being chased by a balloon lion. "They don't call me silly for nothing."

Before they teed up for the first hole, Jake had a burst of bravado. "Hey old man, I beat you, you give me one of your green jackets." Woods responded, "I beat you, you wash my Cadillac. For a year. With detailing. And you'll wear a valet's jacket. And call me El Tigre," said with a spanish accent.

The match started fairly even with both players starting the match with three pars in a row, followed by two birdies each. It wasn't until the fifth hole when Woods hit the paddle of a windmill that the match started to get interesting. Jacobs jumped ahead two strokes. On the seventh hole loopty-loop Tiger made up the difference when Jake missed and had to go "the long way."

"I started to get a little scared, but then I became determined," said Jacobs.

On the ninth hole, Jake scored a hole-in-one when he chose the correct tube of three. Woods had to two putt.

From there, Jake never let go of the lead. By the twelfth hole he had a three stroke lead, by the 17th, a seven.

"Woods just fell apart, like he was Phil Mickleson on day four or something," said Jason Jacobs.

"The color just drained out of Tiger's face on the seventeeth hole. On the eighteenth, it looked like he might vomit," said Sheklow.

Jake demanded that Woods rush home and get the green jacket. A desolate Woods climbed into his Cadillac and drove away only to return a half an hour later, green jacket in hand.

"I don't know which one this is," Woods said as he put it on Jake, "but I hope it's not my first one."

Woods refused to comment on the story and left near tears.


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