d Pardon My Juice

Saturday, October 6

Variations on a Theme From O'Reilly's Rhapsody

Bill O'Reilly is getting in some hot water for saying this: "There wasn't one person in Sylvia's who was screaming, 'M-Fer, I want more iced tea.'"

The following is his train of thought that followed that quote in his head.

--Black Person: And, while you're at it, bring me some goddamn orange sherbert, and maybe some sugar for my nigger's coffee. Hurry your black ass up and get the crepes out here. (to Al, his black friend) Oh, Al, baby, Al you gotta try this motherfucking '89 cabernet sauvignon from this tiny little winery that my bitch found on a trip through France...

Another Black Person: Damn girl, these cupcakes are whack.

Female Black Person: And just wait 'til you get a taste of the banana bread I made.

Another Black Person: Shit bitchl! (to Black Person) She makes some great fucking hollandaise sauce, nigga.

Black Person: Yea... Goddamn it where's my crepes, bitch?

Black Waiter: You just have to wait for your goddamn crepes like everybody else, motherfucker.

Black Person: I don't spend time waitin' for crepes from anyone. (pulls his 'piece'.)

Black Waiter: You don't be pulling that shit in this fine eating establishment (also pulls his 'piece.')

Another Black Person: You don't be pullin' that shit on my fellow member of the Crips. (flashes the crips gang sign before pulling his 'piece.')

(the place erupts into gang violence where a white woman is some how raped)--

These images and thoughts were culled from three rap music videos made in the mid-90's and D.W. Griffith's
The Birth of a Nation.

Tuesday, June 13

Strong and Weak Points of Watching the Tony's

--uproarious applause for Hal Holbrook
--acceptance speeches are eloquent and erudite, as if the speakers are used to being in front of an audience and using polysyllabic words
--no fear of some insipid twit being incapable of reading the teleprompter
--all the excitement of live performance filtered through your television
--you get to learn the names of all those character actors you see all the time and go, "hey, isn't it that one guy?"
--watching Molly Ringwald decay before your eyes
--Adam Sandler's specific... genius(?) carries into musical theater
--a woman leaning over to her husband after a joke and mouthing, "lame."
--women who obviously lack eating disorders
--Clifford Odets, Bertolt Brecht, Edward Albee, Stephen Sondheim and Oprah
--the producers trying to spice up announcing the straight play nominees.
--leaving two-thirds of the way through without seeing the big winners which I haven't seen

Thursday, May 25

an inconvenient truth

al gore's movie 'an inconvenient truth' is being billed as "the most terrifying movie you will ever see." is that because we see what would have happened if our president had been competent?

Saturday, May 13

June 2 and June 3


Thursday, April 6

Our Family

Tuesday, March 14

A Joke For Old People

I was at the druggist's the other day, picking up some nitro pills for the old ticker, when I struck up a conversation with a young lady of 60. Somehow, we traded pills. I grew hair on my lip and her heart exploded.

Tuesday, February 28

Pardon My Juice

Consider the difference between the following two sentences:

"Would you like to come to my house?"

"Would you like to come at my house?"

The difference being a vowel and its location. The meanings of these two sentences are dramatically different.

In the first sentence, a person is being invited over for any innumerable reasons, one of which could be to come. The other is exact. There are, generally speaking, only a few activities that could produce the desired result. The result, however, is precise.

It's these little tightropes we walk without knowing them that create such headaches in everyday living.

"Tuck me in."
"Suck me in."

"Sit there and be still."
"Sit there and be shrill."

"Do you love your mother?"
"Do you shove your mother?"

"Care to eat some stew?
"Care to beat some Stu?"

"In which country does your family reside?"
"In which country can your family reside?"

"That's a witty and kind gesture."
"That's a witty and kind molsetor."

"Do you enjoy a good duck?"
"Do you enjoy a good fuck?"

And so forth. And I'm done.

Saturday, February 25

The Inestimable Don Knotts

Don Knotts, comic foil to Andy Griffith's Mayberry sheriff, passed on to the great big studio in the sky today.

I can honestly say that he is one of the first people I ever laughed at. Not because my parents watched reruns of The Andy Griffith Show but because I watched reruns of Matlock ad nauseum. If I wanted to, I could map out the Atlanta courthouse where Matlock defended his clients with the grace and charm of a southern gentlemen. I could tell you that Matlock ate two hot dogs from the concession stand every day.

Knotts was, naturally, Matlock's goofy neighbor. Came over and did some kooky-- probably during sweeps.

And no matter what he did, I laughed at him. Pretty hard. He was a shining light in the opressive heat and boredom of those summers post-day care, pre-day camp.

I don't really know why he was so funny. It could his been his voice. Maybe his timing. But whatever made him funny, I'll miss him.

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Friday, February 24

Sexy Doesn't even Descibe Him

Happy 59th Birthday Edward James Olmos!

Proving that ANYONE can work in Hollywood if you suck enough Dick.

hmmmm...not funny at all

Proving White Ugly Mexicans are Better than Dark Ugly Mexicans?

uuuuuhhhh.....that's....that's just not true...

Ok. Lets see.....hmmmmm....

Proving Talent suceeds over looks!

Warm Fuzzies all around!

Tuesday, February 21

Fun with P. T. Barnum

Text Book for Sale


Sales person
Board Member 1
Likes It
Board Member 2
Super For It
Agrees with Everything SM says
For It

Chairman introduction to sketch
Business to begin
Read Minutes
Bake Sale
Chocolate vs. Chocolate with Nuts
Special Ed Games Next Week
Hall Ways Smelling Like Feet
Old Business
Chairman intro Teacher
Teacher Intro to Salesman
Salesman Intro Self
Hard Sell About the book itself
Problem w/ Books
“Our Books are Easier to Read”
Power Point
“Square Books equals Square Minds”
Fast Paced
Superficial Focus
Lots of Pictures
‘Man fucking his Wife’
BM2 Excited
SM ‘Any Questions?’
‘Ok lets sign this bitch’
BM1 Wants to hear more
SM takes a beat
Put off for a moment
Into Sales Pitch
Math Book
CM likes book just by flipping through
Likes it/Take a Vote
BM1 Looking at story problem
‘Monkey’ Story Problem
‘Hooker’ Story Problem
SM answer
“Old Math vs. New Math”
SM ‘sidesteps’ question
“Answer Question with Another answer to a Different question”
Into Biology Book
Biology Book
Sex Photos
Reproduction of the species
Smiley Faces over Male Genitalia
Flip Book
Animal having sex w/ dead animal
“Death and Dieing”
“The cat is going to Heaven, that’s real science”
BM1 finds biology book offensive
SM “text books can be offensive, which is why we have this book”
Into History Book
“This Book is Light”
Pictures of History with Cats and Dogs
9/11 joke toper?
Future Pictures of Atrocities?

More and More against the Salesman throughout the pitch
Board doesn’t want the books
SM Saddened
“I get it, I get it. It IS crazy. Crazy like a fox…But You Wanna Know What?! These books were made with a Dream. By a group of people Just Like Me…”
“A dream about a rainbow, and under that rainbow there were dew drops, and from those drew drops were born the children of our future…”
long speech
Has them the entire speech
BM2 slow clap
CM says “that’s not appropriate”
SM last word
“Knock 5 bucks off”
Group Goes for it!

Other Things to think about-to be placed in this sketch and others
Online University
VooDoo/Medical Shawman
TV repair

Oxford University, Alaska/ Oxford University High School