d Pardon My Juice: A Prayer

Monday, November 7

A Prayer

Lord, please forgive me. I know I have sinned. I know I am a sinner. Please Lord, have leniency on my meager and pathetic soul. I am a man and fallible. I know I am unworthy.

When I took that package of Bic pens, I knew it was wrong. I know I shouldn't take things home from the office. The day was getting long and I was tired and the wife told me to pick some up at the store.

Please Lord, forgive me for when I ordered an extra pair of scissors for the wife when my boss asked me to order office supplies for my division. Making Wal-Mart pay for my wife to have nice things is a sin and wrong and I know it.

And, Lord, forgive me when I told my boss to shovehis finger up his ass when he told me that I shouldn't have ordered that second pair of scissors. I don't know how he found out about it, but he did and I am sorry. Mean words are not the way of the Lord.

Also, Lord, forgive me for when I sent that anonymous note to the boss when he asked all the low-level executives like myself to work 15 hours of unpaid overtime a week the closer we get to Christmas. Telling him he was what's wrong with America was not right, not patriotic and not the way of a man of faith like myself. Furthermore, putting a picture of a goat with an arrow pointing to its ass and a caption reading "fuck here" was simply vile, inappropriate and stupid.

And when I used your name in vain when I received an e-mail to come to my boss' office to discuss disciplinary actions about said anonymous note, and when I suggested that the bitch in accounts receivable who ratted me out be sent to Hell, forgive me for these sins too.

I'll take whatever punishment you'll give me for calling her a bitch.

And, Lord, forgive my son for being gay and my daughter for being a slut. Forgive my wife for being cold and distant and not wanting to have more kids. Forgive her also for that blow job in the kitchen three weeks ago. My wife that is, not my daughter. I forgot to ask forgiveness for that. Woops!

Thank you mercifcul lord for forgiving me of my sins. Thank you for giving me a moderarely attractive family and a job that puts delicious food on the table. Thank you mostly, though, for you being you and doing what you did. Forgiveness is pretty damn great.


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